Archive for Worst 10

Crash! Landen’s Worst 10 Films of 2014

Posted in A Few Old, Short Words with tags , , on December 30, 2014 by Crash! Landen

Happy  Holidays!  I have not posted in a  few weeks, but the end of the year is upon us which means it’s time for me to post a Best 10 Films list and this list: the Worst 10 Films that I saw in 2014.  This probably is NOT the very worst of what’s out there… Not being a paid critic, I don’t see everything that has been released like I used to. I’m a bit more selective and in the past few years I have seen fewer ‘bad’ films. This year, I have to question my own decision making since I think that I’ve seen more crap than movies that I would give a passing grade to. There were a number of films that probably could be counted here that just missed the cut. Some were surprising to me; I was extremely disappointed with How To Train Your Dragon 2, for instance (which felt like a lesser retread of the first one). The Captain America sequel was another Marvel letdown and the Michael Bay produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles got the 4 Turtles (mostly) right, but nothing else.  Transcendence and Winter’s Tale were interesting failures (Will Smith as the Devil?!). I also saw quite a few indie.. what’s the word? Turds. ‘Turds’ is the best fitting word that I can come up… But, they were SOOOOO low budget, that it’s pointless to pick on them. ‘Don’t Blink’ and ‘Come Back To Me’ come to mind there.

But, to get on with it… Here is my list of free-time stealing bombs released in 2014.

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10. A Long Way Down Had a great premise; on New year’s Eve a depressed, albeit successful man goes to the tallest roof in London prepared to throw himself to his own death when someone else turns with the same idea… That was a good premise.. Then another person shows up and I still think they may have had something, but when a fourth person turns up, they found themselves with too many stories to tie together. Pick any two of the four (or the unfortunately named Imogen Poots and any other one except that dude from Breaking Bad) and  this could have been something worth watching.

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9. Transformers: Age Of Extinction I’m a Michael Bay /Transformers apologist, but this was WAAAAAYYYY too long for a film sequel based on a mediocre cartoon based on a toyline. I’ll admit I was in nerd heaven when the Dinobots show up… even if there was no real reason for them suddenly showing up and fighting alongside Optimus Prime at the end. Just far too long, though.

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8. X-Men: Days OF Future Past Had its moments, but I think the entire series was ruined from the first decision to include so many characters. And so many superpowered characters. Should have began with Prof. X and the original 5 X-Men (Cyclops, Marvel Girl, Beast, Angel and Iceman). To try to cram 40 years of extremely convoluted, poorly written continuity into the films is just stupid. But, what do I know. This and Transformers and Twilight and the Harry Potter films etceteramade BILLIONS, so what do I know right? That much money means they’re GREAT. Right?… RIGHT?

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7. Robocop An unnecessary, lesser dumbed down remake with someone’s politics introduced to piss off half of the audience. I have purposefully forgotten everything about this version.

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6. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 Sigh. I ranted about this one. I like Garfield and Stone, but there’s just too many other things wrong with this one.

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5. Fury A very odd film that consisted of unlikable members of a World War II  tank crew with contempory cynical viewpoints and dialogue. Has one overly long BORING scene involving a woman and her daughter (if I remember correctly) that stops the film completely and turns the film down into creepy misogynist territory. It feltlike that one scene went on for an hour… And the idiocy of the finale… A tank that doesn’t roll anymore surrounded by a horde of Nazis that choose to charge the tank and fight with their fists instead of artillery… Just. STUPID. Maybe this one needs to be lower on the list. Just writing about it makes me think it was even dumber than I remembered.

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4. Maleficent Chick flick. And one of those “We don’t NEED men!” sort of chick flicks, too. I always loved the old Disney cartoons and the villainess in Sleeping Beauty was probably my favorite… When she was green. And evil. And turned into a really pissed off dragon. And was killed… here, she’s the heroine and been ‘done wrong’ by men. And the film was just boring, besides.

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3. Walk of Shame Another chick flick and it was pretty shameful. I love Elizabeth Banks. She deserves to be in better movies than this.

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2. Hercules Another case of false advertising. The trailer I saw shows Hercules battling Hydras and giant lions and other supernatural types. Hercules. Greek/Roman demi-god.  Here, though, it’s just Hercules the normal dude. All that mythology stuff is just a load of crap. Everything in the trailer is rehashed at the beginning and sneered at. So I was like “What? THAT’S WHAT I PAID TO SEE, NOT NORMAL-MAN.” It would be like going to see Superman and finding that the filmmakers have decided that he no longer flies or leaps tall buildings or is superstrong… He’s just a reporter now and he really IS from Smallville, not some ridiculous alien planet. That’s stupid, right? NO. IT’S NOT. THAT’S WHAT I CAME TO SEE.

No, I didn’t make it all of the way through.

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1. Sin City: A Dame To Kill For You would think with Eva Green being so… NAKED!… For such a prolonged time… and with Jessica Alba grinding on the floor practically every time she’s onscreen… That I would think this is my movie of the year. But, no… I do have standards and this actually bored me. The Joe Gordon Levitt subplot was asinine. Bruce Willis just took a paycheck. I felt cheated, Frankly, what with all of the various actors posing (and acting) in front of their green-screened static backgrounds. I can’t say I thought the original stories were that great anyway, but somehow, on the pages of a comic book, it somehow works better. Maybe Rodriguez and series creator Frank Miller should have tried making a real movie this time instead of a glorified motion comic with hot chicks. I’m gonna’ pass on the third installment if it ever gets made.

And that’s my list. The best 10 to follow shortly.

Crash! Landen’s Worst 10 Movies of 2010 (Updated 7/27/11)

Posted in Lists with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on December 29, 2010 by Crash! Landen

I didn’t see many 2010 films (Um… well, that was true at the time I first typed this). About 60 or so I think. The stipulations for getting on my list: First, I have to have seen the film. That’s… obvious, right? Second, the film has to suck to some substantial degree. That may not be entirely true with all of these. I gave two and a halves on Devil and The Last AirBender, I think. I have seen several REALLY awful films since I first made the list, though, so those two (and others) have fallen out of the Top (or Bottom) 10.  I also thought The White Ribbon was put together professionally (as was The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest). It just had too many warts. Greenberg probably deserved to be on this list, but I had to pick 10 and these are the 10 I went with. I left the ones that were formally on the list. If you want to know WHY I put them on the list, just click on the names and they’ll take you to my reviews.

(Bumped) Devil (M. Night avoids the double dip on my list.)

(Bumped) The Last Airbender (And Bumped. M. Night skates away….)

(Bumped) The Lovely Bones

(Bumped) Frozen

(Bumped) The Girl Who Kicked The Hornet’s Nest (A real downer that this was the weakest of the trilogy.)

 The White Ribbon (BUMPED… At least this had some artistic merit in its ambiguity. Winter’s Bone, however….)

10 The Losers

9 The Wolfman

8 Kick Ass

7 Skyline6 Splice

 

5 Buried4 The Killer Inside Me

Winter’s Bone (And this sucker actually won awards. Take my word for it and stay as far away as you can.)

2 Alice In Wonderland

1 Clash Of The Titans

Wow, it looks like the summer blockbuster line-up doesn’t it? I really, REALLY wanted to like #1, but it did just about everything it could do to make me hate it, including insulting Ray Harryhausen during the film.

But there’s my 10. Not as awful as many past years, but nauseating enough… And if I was forced to watch the films in but one of my worst lists, 2010 might not be such a bad year to pick.

Crash! Landen’s Worst 10 of the 1990s

Posted in A Few Old, Short Words with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 5, 2010 by Crash! Landen

It’s funny that when I tried to compile a Bottom 10 of the 90s, the REALLY bad films seemed to be concentrated in particular years, especially in the first half of the 90s. There were certain years that had 10 films that could stand in for the Worst 10 of the decade, but since I wanted to spread it around, I tried hard to get a true representation of the entire 90s era. That was hard to do, and 8 of the 10 come from 1990-1994. Only 2 movies make my list from the latter part of the 90s; both being from 1999.

If you’re a masochist I highly recommend any one (or a combination) of these fine examples of cinematic ineptitude.  I do admire the fact that there were probably people that were behind these that believed they would be making celluloid art; perhaps everyone that was on board from Producer to the last extra… I really do admire the attempt at the film-making process…. but I also admire the epic failure made in all of these specific cases; disasters, all of them.

I find I may be picking on some of the ‘smaller’ films of the 1990s. It’s probably a bit unfair. I almost feel there needs to be a list of the bigger budget crapfests, also, that featured deserving movies like Batman & Robin, Spawn, Judge Dredd, Godzilla, Tank Girl… Wow… It would encompass a lot of terribly written ‘comic book’ fare, wouldn’t it? I’ll think about that one. In the meantime, here’s the list:

10 Blue Steel
9 eXistenZ

8 Dr. Giggles
7 Cool As Ice
6 Exit to Eden
5 Bats

4 Stop! Or My Mom Will Shoot
3 Cop and a Half

2 Even Cowgirls Get the Blues
1 Meet the Applegates
Thoughts?

Crash! Landen’s Worst 10 Movies of 1990

Posted in Lists with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 3, 2010 by Crash! Landen

Finally. The Last of the 90s. 1991 was a bumper crop for awful movies that still managed to be watchable. There are some movies that would cause me permanent mental and physical damage if I had to sit through them again. Haute Tension, Meet The Applegates, November, Girl Interrupted and a number of others come to mind. For the most part, my 1990 list doesn’t contain any movies like that. As bad as these movies are, they do have redeemable moments like the ‘flying CD of Death’ in ‘I Come In Peace’. It had memorable lines, too, such as when the alien spouts the title line and Dolph Lundgren responds with something like “But you’ll go in pieces.” It’s not Shakespeare, but I haven’t seen that movie since the early 90s and I still remember that line.

Movies that could have joined the 1990 ‘Worst’ party include Fire Birds (a Nic Cage Top Gun, but with helicopters), Cadillac Man, Clive Barker’s Nightbreed (which was a setup for a movie series, not an actual movie), the bad but very entertaining movie The Guyver, Mr. Destiny, Look Who’s Talking Too, and even the disappointing sequel to one of my favorite films growing up: Predator 2.

Here are the Worst of 1990:

(Bumped) The Godfather Part III (A ridiculous follow-up to 2 really good films… That helicopter ‘whack’ comes to mind.)
10 Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (Actually enjoyed this one to some degree and I’m not a fan of this series and never really have been. I think they were trying to get creative taking Jason away from the Crystal Lake setting. It was kind of like the Loch Ness Monster in Idaho.  Still not a good film.)
9 I Come in Peace (“I must break you”. Whoops. Sorry. Wrong movie.)
8 The First Power (I really wanted to like this one. I was hoping for Lou Diamond Phillip’s to make a bigger splash than he did. He wasn’t the typical Hollywood lead, obviously.)
7 Frankenstein Unbound (Way too low budget for its own good.)
6 Captain America (Hooo00000…. This should probably be my #1. It really deserves it. Surprising that it had some well known actors in it.)
5 Cry-Baby (It was on HBO and there was nothing else on. John Waters films are  not for me.)
4 Spaced Invaders (I lied about all of these still being watchable. I remember this one being pretty obnoxious, and I usually like this sort of thing. A zany comedy without the laughs.)
3 Robot Jox (I had friends that loved this movie. Didn’t change my opinion of it.)
2 Wild At Heart (David Lynch channels John Waters directing a violent film. The results are to be expected….)
1 Blue Steel (Just a funny movie. Poor career choice for Jamie Lee Curtis. She should’ve stuck to great horror flicks.)
Thoughts?

Crash! Landen’s Worst 10 Movies of 1991

Posted in Lists with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2010 by Crash! Landen
The worst of 1991 is an all timer for me, and the rest of the top 5 (or bottom 5) are irritatingly bad, but the rest of my Top 10 (6-10) are actually somewhat watchable. I’ve watched far worse in any case. Some of these might even be a little unfair to put on a ‘worst’ list. Picking a Hulk Hogan movie in any year is shooting water in a barrel… Yes, easier than shooting the fish in the barrel. He has been in a decent movie or 2 (one of the Rocky films comes to mind), so he’s not excused. You kind of have to expect that a Vanilla Ice is going to be on the list, by default. That Julia Roberts would have not one, but two on my list doesn’t surprise me, either. Dying Young’s title alone is worthy of going on the list. That probably got the ‘green light’ over similar titles like ‘Shooting Puppies’. Freddy’s Dead was not entirely bad either. All of the ‘Nightmare’ films are watchable, despite only 2 (maybe 3) of them being any good.Freddy’s Dead also had some big name stars in it, along with the lovely and talented Lisa Zane (who I always liked). I watched them, though, otherwise they wouldn’t be on the list, so it’s my fault, ultimately, that they’re here.
Other movies that didn’t quite make the cut: the extremely watchable crap football movie ‘Necessary Roughness… The not entirely bad/almost decent Richard Grieco vehicle/timewaster ‘If Looks Could Kill’… the disgustingly weird for a mainstream movie ‘ Nothing But Trouble’… Sylvester Stallone’s attempt to ‘branch out’  with the gangster/comedy ‘Oscar’… The after school special that was The Pistol: The Birth of a Legend…. The terrible in a fun way football movie (even with a Wayans brother in it) ‘The Last Boy Scout’… One of the crappier Trek films ‘Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country’… and then there was one of those failed movies on a legendary scale ‘Harley Davidson and the Marlboro Man’. That one could’ve been much worse than it was, though, and I believe has a bit of cult status to it.
Anyway, as always; here’s my bottom 10:
10 Freddy’s Dead: The Final Nightmare
9 Sleeping with the Enemy
8 Don’t Tell Mom the Babysitter’s Dead
7 Problem Child 2
6 Delirious
5 Eve Of Destruction
4 Dying Young
3 Suburban Commando
2 Cool As Ice
1 Meet the Applegates

And I guess the list reminds… I guess I need to go see the Nightmare On Elm Street remake… From all the negative reviews, maybe it’ll make my 2010 Worst List….

Thoughts?

Crash! Landen’s 10 Worst Films of 1995

Posted in Lists with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2010 by Crash! Landen

So we’re at the midway point of the 90s. As always, movies that didn’t make the list: the watchable depiction of regrettably mandated high school AP English reading material ‘The Scarlet Letter’, the somewhat interesting ‘ The Last Supper’, the preachy crapfest that was ‘Powder’,  the pretentiously elitist ‘Kicking and Screaming’ and ‘Hackers’ that featured Angelina Jolie in maybe her smokin’-est role ever. Too bad the movie stunk like dung-balls.

Nope. No Waterworld. Sure it sucked, but it wasn’t even CLOSE to making my list. Not even with the ‘theme-park’ style actiuon sequences. This wasn’t the worst year in movies ever, but it had its share of mediocre snoozers. Here’s my list with little to no comment:

(Bumped) Fair Game (Wasn’t terrible. Got bad reviews before anyone ever actually saw it. Kind of like Showgirls.)
10 The Crossing Guard
9 Virtuosity (I think this is the only Crowe movie that I’ve seen that I didn’t like.)
8 Halloween: The Curse of Michael Myers
7 Bad Boys
6 Showgirls
5 The Walking Dead (Long before that zombie comic… there was this ridiculous movie. Zombies would’ve helped it… A lot…. It was SO bad that I can’t even find a decent sized pic of the movie poster on the net)
4 Vampire in Brooklyn
3 Tank Girl
2 Judge Dredd (One of my most disappointing theater experiences, I think).
1 The Stendhal Syndrome (Argento has exploited his daughter quite often but this might be his slimiest use of her. Just a hackneyed, braindead assault of a film.)

Crash! Landen’s Worst 10 Movies Of 1996

Posted in Lists with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 7, 2010 by Crash! Landen
There was an abundance of crap in 1996 and it seemed to revolve around 3 subjects: basketball, the Wayans brothers and Tom Arnold. I probably could make a Worst 10 for 1996 with just those 3 subjects. Some of those with that theme that didn’t quite make my list: Kazaam  (basketball, sort of), Big Bully (Tom Arnold), Carpool (Tom Arnold),  Jingle All the Way (Tom Arnold), Celtic Pride (basketball and a Wayans Brother)… Other ones that just BARELY missed the list: The Island of Dr. Moreau , The Long Kiss Goodnight, Foxfire (an Angelina Jolie classic weeper), The Ghost And The Darkness. This was also the year  that Meg Ryan played a fighter pilot (Courage under Fire). 1996 was a good year if you like crap.
10 Escape from L.A. (One of my most disappointing movie going experiences ever. It was a long awaited sequel to one of my favorite movies and it had a Bruce! Campbell appearance. What a letdown…. Plus it had a ridiculous basketball segment).
9 Sunset Park
8 Space Truckers
7 Mary Reilly
6 The Crow: City of Angels
5 The Stupids (Tom Arnold…)
4 High School High
3 Joe’s Apartment
2 The Dentist
1 Don’t Be a Menace to South Central While Drinking Your Juice in the Hood
And please don’t think that I hate the Wayans brothers. I don’t. ‘In Living Color’ was frickin’ brilliant back in the day and each of the Wayans have been involved in decent movies. They’ve just had more than thrie share of crap…. I don’t hate Tom Arnold, either.
Thoughts?