Crash! Landen’s Worst 10 Films of 2014

Happy  Holidays!  I have not posted in a  few weeks, but the end of the year is upon us which means it’s time for me to post a Best 10 Films list and this list: the Worst 10 Films that I saw in 2014.  This probably is NOT the very worst of what’s out there… Not being a paid critic, I don’t see everything that has been released like I used to. I’m a bit more selective and in the past few years I have seen fewer ‘bad’ films. This year, I have to question my own decision making since I think that I’ve seen more crap than movies that I would give a passing grade to. There were a number of films that probably could be counted here that just missed the cut. Some were surprising to me; I was extremely disappointed with How To Train Your Dragon 2, for instance (which felt like a lesser retread of the first one). The Captain America sequel was another Marvel letdown and the Michael Bay produced Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles got the 4 Turtles (mostly) right, but nothing else.  Transcendence and Winter’s Tale were interesting failures (Will Smith as the Devil?!). I also saw quite a few indie.. what’s the word? Turds. ‘Turds’ is the best fitting word that I can come up… But, they were SOOOOO low budget, that it’s pointless to pick on them. ‘Don’t Blink’ and ‘Come Back To Me’ come to mind there.

But, to get on with it… Here is my list of free-time stealing bombs released in 2014.

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10. A Long Way Down Had a great premise; on New year’s Eve a depressed, albeit successful man goes to the tallest roof in London prepared to throw himself to his own death when someone else turns with the same idea… That was a good premise.. Then another person shows up and I still think they may have had something, but when a fourth person turns up, they found themselves with too many stories to tie together. Pick any two of the four (or the unfortunately named Imogen Poots and any other one except that dude from Breaking Bad) and  this could have been something worth watching.

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9. Transformers: Age Of Extinction I’m a Michael Bay /Transformers apologist, but this was WAAAAAYYYY too long for a film sequel based on a mediocre cartoon based on a toyline. I’ll admit I was in nerd heaven when the Dinobots show up… even if there was no real reason for them suddenly showing up and fighting alongside Optimus Prime at the end. Just far too long, though.

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8. X-Men: Days OF Future Past Had its moments, but I think the entire series was ruined from the first decision to include so many characters. And so many superpowered characters. Should have began with Prof. X and the original 5 X-Men (Cyclops, Marvel Girl, Beast, Angel and Iceman). To try to cram 40 years of extremely convoluted, poorly written continuity into the films is just stupid. But, what do I know. This and Transformers and Twilight and the Harry Potter films etceteramade BILLIONS, so what do I know right? That much money means they’re GREAT. Right?… RIGHT?

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7. Robocop An unnecessary, lesser dumbed down remake with someone’s politics introduced to piss off half of the audience. I have purposefully forgotten everything about this version.

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6. The Amazing Spider-Man 2 Sigh. I ranted about this one. I like Garfield and Stone, but there’s just too many other things wrong with this one.

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5. Fury A very odd film that consisted of unlikable members of a World War II  tank crew with contempory cynical viewpoints and dialogue. Has one overly long BORING scene involving a woman and her daughter (if I remember correctly) that stops the film completely and turns the film down into creepy misogynist territory. It feltlike that one scene went on for an hour… And the idiocy of the finale… A tank that doesn’t roll anymore surrounded by a horde of Nazis that choose to charge the tank and fight with their fists instead of artillery… Just. STUPID. Maybe this one needs to be lower on the list. Just writing about it makes me think it was even dumber than I remembered.

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4. Maleficent Chick flick. And one of those “We don’t NEED men!” sort of chick flicks, too. I always loved the old Disney cartoons and the villainess in Sleeping Beauty was probably my favorite… When she was green. And evil. And turned into a really pissed off dragon. And was killed… here, she’s the heroine and been ‘done wrong’ by men. And the film was just boring, besides.

Walk-of-Shame

3. Walk of Shame Another chick flick and it was pretty shameful. I love Elizabeth Banks. She deserves to be in better movies than this.

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2. Hercules Another case of false advertising. The trailer I saw shows Hercules battling Hydras and giant lions and other supernatural types. Hercules. Greek/Roman demi-god.  Here, though, it’s just Hercules the normal dude. All that mythology stuff is just a load of crap. Everything in the trailer is rehashed at the beginning and sneered at. So I was like “What? THAT’S WHAT I PAID TO SEE, NOT NORMAL-MAN.” It would be like going to see Superman and finding that the filmmakers have decided that he no longer flies or leaps tall buildings or is superstrong… He’s just a reporter now and he really IS from Smallville, not some ridiculous alien planet. That’s stupid, right? NO. IT’S NOT. THAT’S WHAT I CAME TO SEE.

No, I didn’t make it all of the way through.

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1. Sin City: A Dame To Kill For You would think with Eva Green being so… NAKED!… For such a prolonged time… and with Jessica Alba grinding on the floor practically every time she’s onscreen… That I would think this is my movie of the year. But, no… I do have standards and this actually bored me. The Joe Gordon Levitt subplot was asinine. Bruce Willis just took a paycheck. I felt cheated, Frankly, what with all of the various actors posing (and acting) in front of their green-screened static backgrounds. I can’t say I thought the original stories were that great anyway, but somehow, on the pages of a comic book, it somehow works better. Maybe Rodriguez and series creator Frank Miller should have tried making a real movie this time instead of a glorified motion comic with hot chicks. I’m gonna’ pass on the third installment if it ever gets made.

And that’s my list. The best 10 to follow shortly.

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