Crash! Landen’s Worst 10 Movies Of 2013

It’s time for me revisit the movies of 2013, no matter how much I don not want to do that. I always come up with 2 lists at the end of the year, one for the Best Films of the year and this one, the one reserved for the movies that drained more life out of me than any others. The last few years, I  have been avoiding the ones that I KNEW were going to be awful or at least those that I knew that I was going to be less than inclined to like. This year I purposely avoided films like ‘Kick Ass 2’, ‘Texas Chainsaw 3D’, ‘Grown Ups 2’ or anything featuring Mark Kermode’s arch-nemesis: Danny Dyer. I didn’t like… no hated…  the original films that these movies were spawned from so there was no reason to believe that there would be anything other than diminishing returns.  I also avoided movies such as the Google sponsored ‘The Internship’2’, ‘Movie 43’ or anything with Michael Cera in it. I don’t think you have to actually eat a live cockroach to know that it’s not going to be appealing. If you liked any of those that I mentioned, I’ll just have to take your word for it. I’m not taking a bite.

Lucky for me, though, there was more than enough films out there that I was willing to take a chance on that either fooled me or helped to realize my worst fears.

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Bumped) The Purge A  movie with a proposterous premise where the writer had no idea what he/she was trying to say and ends up promoting violence as the best form of self defense. Then there’s the precocious goth genius that understands robotics, but not life but is still smarter and more moral than his parents… And then there is the homeless man with the golden heart that disappears into the 2 story house for two thirds of the film until the writer calls for the ‘plot twist’. I almost wanted to slip The Mortal Instruments onto my list at #10, but the more Lion’s Gate films on the list, the merrier. (And I’ve already bumped this one, so I guess it didn’t quite mke my top 10, either.)

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10)NYC Underground I don’t like to pick on the ‘little guy’, but this film (that I swear that I accidentally watched… I SWEAR…) deserved to be here. The stiff, hambone ‘actors’  are only outdone by the abrasive low end hip hop soundtrack and the fan fic level script.

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9)Violet & Daisy One of those where you can’t trust the release date. Filmed years ago, was finally released probably to make a buck off of the death of James Gandolfini (he’s in it). Has the same sort of problems that ‘Kick Ass’ had. On one hand it wants to create a Hello Kitty World of Mafia Hit-girl cartoon characters that are standing in for Travolta and Jackson in Pulp Fiction and then asks the viewer to take it more seriously than the director/writer has for 90% of the film. Made by an apparent Tarantino sycophant that loves the lyrics, but doesn’t understand what the song means… If that makes any sense.

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8)Stuck in Love  (One of those movies that has people in it that I really like… And I looooooove Jennifer Connelly… but presents a bland story filled with so many abhorrent players that it made it nigh impossible to watch without getting angry and giving me Extreme Rolling Eyes Syndrome.  The characters are pretentious, if not just downright annoying with their smarmy praise for one another’s writings. The namedropping of authors was also abominable. It used to be Kerouac that was the torch to be carried by pretentious self aggrandizing pseudo intellectuals. Now it appears to be Vonnegut. On a side note I just realized that Lily Collins, who plays the most obnoxiously self important person in the film was also in The Mortal Instruments, another crap film that narrowly missed my list.

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7)Black Rock Can stories that offer up would be rapists and murderers still be chick flicks? This movie answers that question.

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6) Generation Um (SPOILERS ALERT! IF YOU DON’T WANT THIS FILM SPOILED, READ NO FURTHER). Redbox has become something like a game of Russian Roulette. I knew nothing about this one; I didn’t even read the synopsis. I do that sometimes, because I figure the less I know about a film, the better. No preconceptions. It’s a good thing, too, since this one’s synopsis gave away the film’s big twist. Too bad the twist was that Reeves plays a pimp and that the two women pondering their places in the universe in navel gazing fashion are streetwalkers. And if I say my next joke, I’m going to get in a lot of trouble, so I’ll move on…

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So sweet… He suffocates her with a pillow.

5) Amour As soon as I saw Michael Hanake’s name appear in the opening credits, I worked out how the entire film. And here is another SPOILER ALERT… I’M SPOILING THIS ONE AS A SERVICE TO MANKIND. This, I think, won the Best Foreign Film category (or whatever PC name they call it now) at the Academy Awards last year. What? Why is it on my list for this year? Because it only saw a wide release here in the US  in 2013. They have their rules. I have mine. Anyway, I’ve never liked any of Hanake’s films that I have had the misfortune to come across. They’re cynical, humorless and generally have a shock moment or two that I always see coming a mile away. With what I knew about this film (an elderly woman falls ill and her husband is forced to take care of her), I figured the ‘Love’ title was going to mean that at some point there would be a mercy killing by the husband. The story is framed by Hanake as if there are times when murder is a wonderful release. Sorry, Michael Hanake. You are an idiot, not the genius artiste that you probably think you are. I don’t share your worldview. Please stop making pretentious crap films. Not saying, this wasn’t professionally made or acted, but you make movies that clearly have a disdain for the audience watching them. No one goes to the movies to watch joyless geek shows. Or maybe I should just become more adept at avoiding them.

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4)Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters Only got about a half hour in before I realized that the filmmakers and actors were not even going to ACT like they were giving even a half-arsed effort. As brain dead as studio films come… Probably was sold as one of those high concept pitches, but no one had any ideas to support the one note concept. I assume most of the crew working on this were hacks, since I know some of them worked on my choice for my #1 film.

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3) Man Of Steel I cannot write about this one without getting extremely upset other than to say that Superman does not kill people. If you write a story with Superman killing people then you should not be writing Superman. It’s like if you wrote Kermit the Frog as a rapist. If you need the reason why, then it can never be explained to you because you are an idiot and probably an A-hole. Or you’re Zack Snyder.

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2) Twixt Another film released from Limbo that should never have been released. it probably would have been a better idea for everyone involved to have just burned all of the evidence of it ever existing. The crazy thing about this one (and why  a low budget stinker like this is so high on my list) is that the director of this film is one Francis Ford Coppola. You know, that guy that directed those Godfather movies… And Appocalypse Now… granted I think everything he’s ever done is grossly overrated other than Godfather II, but still. Some people (not including me) think the Godfather is the greatest film of all time. That he could have directed a film ABOUT A WRITER no less, that is this lifeless… This horrible… This low budget… This… Well, I can’t fathom it. But, the film does feature a weird onscreen reunion of sorts of Val Kilmer and his ex-wife Joanne Whalley. Doesn’t save the movie by any means, though.

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1) Atlantic Rim a.k.a. Attack from Beneath As I just mentioned, I usually do not like to put lower budget films  on my list this high. It’s the big studio failures that should be at the top.. or bottom… of the heap of the Worst… But, this one earns every bad thing said about it. It just might be the worst film that I’ve ever seen that was actually packaged and sold SOMEWHERE. It is almost impossible to watch, stringing loosely related ‘plot lines’ incomprehensibly placed together in random order. It has a ‘knock off’ script (if you want to call it that since it may never have been fully written as one), daring to call itself a ‘mockumentary’ when it is nothing more than a rip off money grab. The company (The Asylum) that produced this absolute turd has a history of knocking off blockbusters before they are released in hopes of tricking unaware (and stupid) people into renting/buying their film thinking that it’s the actual big budgeted film. The actors, some of them with well known faces even,  are atrocious; nay embarrassingly horrid. The sour film crew that shot this film  would be best served if it was said that they “didn’t even try”, but that would probably be a false statement. This just might be their best effort. Even by low budget standards this is a reeking mess… And if ever there was a time when my objectivity is questioned when it comes to reviewing a film, then look no further than this one.  It was filmed here in Pensacola and yes… I am in it.

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2 Responses to “Crash! Landen’s Worst 10 Movies Of 2013”

  1. I have a question, why would you be in a movie that you clearly dislike? Obviously you knew it was going to be a bust. So why subject yourself? And then complain about it after? (If you weren’t casted or a paid stand in then disregard this comment)

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