Crash! Landen’s Worst 10 Movies of 2011

I was looking at my list of films that I’ve seen this year and realized it was going to be far easier to come up with my 10 Worst Films rather than my 10 Best. I still have to make one last trip to the theater this year for War Horse… maybe one more… but I don’t think that one has any chance of making it onto this list. This is a list of the most wretched, putrid, foul smelling mounds of cinematic crap that this year’s filmmakers could produce… Well… Okay, some of these had 2010 release dates abroad. I go by wide release dates here in the US, though. The only other rquirements besides being released in the US in  2011, are that I have seen the film and that the film in questions sucks. I mean, REALLY sucks. I get more and more selective every year, so there are probably quite a few more films that I KNEW would suck that I didn’t bother seeing. These films at least had something going for them that I thoughjt the film might not suck. God, was I wrong.

Some films that threatened to make their way into my list: The ‘trapped in a car’ epic that was ‘Wrecked‘ that featured Oscar winner Adrian Brody (you guessed it) trapped in a car for almost the entire film. The power trip fantasy Limitless that tried to sell the idea of a pill that could make you SO smart that if you stopped dressing and acting like a slob then no one would see you as a slob (BRILLIANT!). And it was disappointing that a Michael Gondry film, The Green Hornet, almost made it onto the list. It looked more like the producers directed it, since it in no way resembled his past work except for a minute or two in the film. There were others, but they were not even close to the films on this list.

I have reviews up for most of these (which I am supplying the links to), but there’s a few of them that have reviews pending. I’ll post them soon, but I probably won’t waste a lot of breath on them. Anyway… here’s my list:

10 Unknown (Another generic suspense film with Neeson. Each film that he does like this seems to be a wtered down version of the previous film. I have to say, though, that as bad as I thought it was, it is high art compared to the other nine films on my list.)

9 Sucker Punch (The only thing that I can figure is that Zack Snyder can no longer contain his costume fetish and is no longer even giving any pretense that he’s trying to hide it. It’s was like watching a series of expensive music videos featuring PG-13 strippers. All they needed were the poles… Oh, wait.)

8 Attack the Block (A mess of a film where the director was aspiring to create a second rate version of the 1980s  low budget sci-fi horror flick “Critters” in an urban setting with even worse FX and no characters with any kind of a personality to differentiate them.)

7 Battle:Los Angeles (Saw this one twice. The first time it was called Skyline.)

6 Hesher (A movie that had to have been written by Dave Mustaine back when he was in high school when he was angry at his English teacher.)

5 Hobo With A Shotgun (Wasn’t this one of those ‘Grindhouse ‘trailers within the film’ like “Machete”? Just an abrasive film with no laughs. I ASSUME that this stuff was supposed to be funny. I’m sorry to see Rutger Hauer has to stoop to a part like this.)

4 Submarine (Sets the record for time it takes in  insulting its audience. It throws out some anti-American sentiment before the credits even roll. It desperately wants to be a quirky, indie hit but succeeds only in imitating better films less successfully.)

3 Red State (A film with no one to like, no protagonist, illogical actions, insultingly two dimensional characters and plenty of confused political rhetoric from Kevin Smith. Despite Smith saying he changed the film anytime the audience might know where he’s going with the story, it’s still predictable and just stupid.)

2 Choose Watching this film is the wrong choice, trust me.

1 Atlas Shrugged  (A brutal film. Just brutal. And I don’t mean that it’s a violent film. Never before have I become uninterested in a film that I wanted to watch as fast as I did with this one. The ‘news clips’ that are used in the film’s opening gave me the same kind of feeling as being forced to watch television with someone else controlling the remote who changes the channel to a random station every three seconds, only every channel that comes up either has a train or someone talking about interest rates. I thought once I get past the opening, then it would have to get better, but listening to the actors drone on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and ON about economics and political ideology. I felt like Malcolm McDowell in A Clockwork Orange when they had him strapped in that chair with his eyelids peeled back watching war clips, but instead of war clips I was watching Jim Cramer and finance programs, and McDowell had a better soundtrack to listen to. And this is one of those no-budget cheap sounding soundtracks where someone randomly holds down a few keys on a keyboard for several seconds at a time and they just play that over whatever’s happening onscreen at the time, which for this means nothing. Just talking heads for two hours, then one of the actresses screams at the end which was what I was doing for most of the film. Just horrible.

And that’s my 10. Do yourself a favor and avoid these at all costs unless you’re a masochist. If that’s the case, then… Enjoy!

I’ll post my ‘Best  10 Films’ list in a day or two.

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