Noise (2004 or 2005) Short Review

Not to be confused with the (much better) Tim Robbins film of the same name. The confusing thing about the release date: I’ve seen 3 different sites that give 3 different release dates…. I’ll stick with which says 2004. This film really deserves to be on one of my Worst Lists, but after checking the 2004 and 2005 lists find that the movies in front (or below) are big studio films for the most part, so I left it off. I hold the big studios more accountable because they should know better with the number of experienced people involved and the larger budgets. Anyway….

The only thing mildly entertaining about this film is that little blurb on the poster “taut and alluring…” The word ‘taut’ actually. I the film “Adaptation”, Charlie Kaufman is asked by his brother for feedback on the script that he wrote. Charlie fumbles for a response before saying “Well, it’s taut” (paraphrasing). He didn’t want to say “You’re movie sucks. You’re an awful writer… Okay, it was mildly funny to me.

A film has to be noteworthy in its deficiencies for me not to be able to get through a film. There are very few films in my lifetime that I have failed to finish once I started. Call me a completist. This is one of those movies that was so stupefyingly atrocious that I was only able to get through about the first quarter before resorting to fast forwarding.

The subtle "I'm thinking" pose.

Not since The Spirit have I not made it all the way though a film (no matter how bad). About 5-10 minutes in I realized that this was not going to get better. I am dumbfounded that a movie featuring a girl as stunning to look at as former model Trish Goff could be so dull and uninteresting. There was no aspect of this that was done well. You would have to almost be TRYING to create a film this bad.

The script is awful, lacking in anything actually happening unless you consider wide angles of the character walking silently a ‘happening’. The  cinematography is artless and just plain ugly. Even dilapidated surroundings can be striking to observe. Look no further than my last review of The King’s Speech to see that. The psychiatrist’s run down office was almost its own character. There is nothing that even remotely looks crafted by a set decorator and that’s not a backhanded compliment, either.

And poor Trish Goff and her stoic, wooden deliveries. She is a beautiful woman and I’m sure she’s much more interesting than the protagonist she’s playing. As always, I don’t blame her or any of the other actors who had the same problem. Even Ally Sheedy and she’s been in films of a professional quality (Breakfast Club, for one). I blame the director (Tony Spiridakis) who was the perpetrator of all of this. It is of the same subject matter that I would expect to see on the Lifetime channel,  but I don’t think this would even meet their low quality standards. Thankfully, this is the only movie I’ve seen by Spiridakis.

And, no... Drinking won't help this film.

As entertaining as an early morning dump made by a cocker spaniel on a sidewalk in the middle of winter. I give it a 1 of 5 solely because I pity Goff for having had the misfortune for this to be her acting debut. She only appeared in a short film afterwards.

A VERY generous 1 0f 5 whatevers.


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