Worst Movies of 1988

A good year for crap movies. The 80s was full of them. Not making the cut: My Stepmother is an Alien with Dan Aykroyd and Kim Bassinger. Dan has one that made my Top 5, though. Another sequel to a decent film (not nearly as good as Caddyshack) was Fright Night 2. Another movie without a chunk of the original crew involved. A few serious films  like Oliver Stone’s Talk Radio and the Michael J. Fox flop Bright Lights, Big City almost made the list. They were worthy. The horror film Monkey Shines… Happy to say that there were a lot of good horror films in 1988… There is one movie in particular that I would really like to put on this list, but I just couldn’t justify working it in: Bull Durham. I know what you’re thinking… No, you idiot! Bull Durham’s a GREAT film!… Well… No. No, it’s not.
I don’t care if it’s a comedy or a drama or a horror film or a musical. Whatever. If it is a SPORTS film, the actors playing the athletes must pass reasonably for an athlete. Sure, they’re actors, but if it’s a tennis movie, the actor needs to look like he/she can actually play. If it’s basketball the actor needs to look like he /she has actually played before. Football. Boxing. Ping Pong. Whatever… In the Natural, Robert Redford had a great swing. In Mr. Baseball, Tom Selleck looked like he’s played the game before. Kevin Costner does in Bull Durham. I think he played in high school as did Selleck. The problem with Bull Durham is Tim Robbins. He is the reason I cannot watch that film for any reason. I like Tim Robbins. He’s CARRIED great films. He’s a good actor, BUT… He doesn’t look like he’s played any sport, let alone baseball, EVER… In a sports movie that IS important to me. Robbins is supposed to be playing a highly talented major league prospect, but what I see onscreen is the baseball equivalent of Lamar Latrell’s javelin throwing form in Revenge of the Nerds. It completely takes me out of the film. He is never believable as a baseball player. It ruins it for me in the same way Bang The Drum Slowly is ruined by Robert Deniro (another great actor who looks as though he’s never played a sport, either… And don’t give me that Raging Bull crap. Decent film. Laughable boxing scenes)… But. try as I might, I can’t move Bull Durham into the 10th spot. It is a crap film, though.
Anyway… Enough rambling. Here’s the list of cinematic turds.
10 Police Academy 5: Assignment Miami Beach (All of the Police Academy sequels were awful, but at the same time, they’re still funny in a dumb way. So maybe it’s a little unfair to put this one on the list).
9 Poltergeist 3 (A drastic step down from the 2nd film which was a slight step down from the original.
8 Watchers (Starred the late Corey Haim in one of the worst book adaptations ever from what I’ve read. Book or no book it was terrible and one of Haim’s worst… Which is saying a lot.)
7 Feds (Just dumb and not funny.)
6 Earth Girls Are Easy (Just too weird. Great cast with Davis, Carrey, D. Wayans and Goldbloom. Julie Brown was always likeable and entertaining but was always associated with cheesy crap…)
5 Friday the 13th Part VII: The New Blood (Is this the one where he smacks the victim in the sleeping bag against the tree? I think so. Seen them all, but they all just blur together after the third one.)
4 Caddyshack II (Maybe the worst sequel EVER. Maybe Dan Aykroyd’s worst  performance substituting for Murray. Jackie Mason for Rodney Dangerfield is equally awful. Maybe the worst part: No Ted Knight… And then there’s Tom Arnold being Tom Arnold. he was ridin’ the Rosanne wave… And this even made the sock puppet style Gopher FX from the original look like Stan Winston FX. A prime example of a half@$$ed money grab.)
3 The Chocolate War (Mediocre book. Even worse film. Incoherent throughout. Soulless acting. Terrible cinematography. Awful dialogue. Slow. Lacks tension. Arbitrary motivations by the protagonist… I could go on. )
2 Cameron’s Closet (Like the Police Academy movies, this is kind of shooting dead fish in a barrel. This is a low budget effort with semi-pro folks working on the film. It’s always hard to put a movie like this on the list when there are equally deserving big budget dogs…)
1 Killer Klowns from Outer Space (An obnoxious film. It used to run concurrently on HBO and HBO2. I think it was on the air for like 8 years straight or something. Or maybe it just felt that way. I couldn’t get away from it.)

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