Crash! Landen’s 10 Worst Movies of 1989

It’s the 80s! A very enjoyable decade in film. Some of my absolute favorites are from this era, like the Indiana Jones movies, Blade Runner, The Dark Crystal, Time Bandits, the Star Wars sequels, the Goonies, Gremlins, ET, Back To The Future, Amadeus, Time Bandits…  I could go on and on… There are also a ton of (probably) great films that I’ve never seen such as Shoah, Moonlighting or Once Upon A Time In America (which I’ve never been able to sit through). But this isn’t about the good ones. This list is my Worst Movies of 1989, so I’ll get on with it.

There were a few more that probably could make my Bottom 10 without toomuch argument from me: K-9 (but who doesn’t love a movie about a German Shepard?)… The War of the Roses… Pink Cadillac… The ‘Burbs… Little Monsters… Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure… I can watch all of those without trying to pull my eyeballs out of their sockets. Hard to do with my Bottom 10. Here they are.

10 Kickboxer (Not the worst Van Damme film ever made as evidenced by Cyborg. Enjoyable somewhat if you lower all expectations and realize that you’re about to watch a Jean Claude Van Damme movie.)
9 The Experts (This one is not great, but it has a lot going for it, IMO. It was a light comedy and all of the actors and actresses in it were likeable enough. Watchable on cable.)
8 Deepstar Six (There were 2 really bad ‘deep sea’ monster flicks around this time. I thought Leviathan had a slightly higher level in quality).
7 A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child (As what happens in all horror franchises, when the villain/monster becomes the ‘star’ then the films drop in quality and intelligence. Money grabs. Even the most ardent Freddy fan had to realize that no matter what happened in this film, Freddy would return for Part 6..and 7.. And…).
6 The Punisher (A bad movie that I always enjoyed for some reason, so I might be rating this one a little too high. Gaping lapses of logic throughout, but it’s Dolph Lungren for the Love of Alba. Even Van Damme laughs at Dolph’s acting skills.)
5 She’s Out of Control (An average sub-par  80s teen comedy. Not the worst ever made… Does it sound like I’m hedging on this one? Ami Dolenz was cute enough in this, so maybe I am… Still not a good film, though, even for this genre.)
Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (All of these are stupidly funny. This one put more emphasis on the stupid part and the series had already run out of steam as a franchise… In typing that out, I may have just doomed the populace to some idiot producer the idea for yet another worthless reboot.) 
3 Friday the 13th Part VIII: Jason Takes Manhattan (Not a big fan of this series, but this was a little more watchable than a few of the previous offerings. I like how they were trying to ‘stretch the boundaries’ of the series by taking Jason away from Crystal Lake. it still sucked as a film, though.)
2 Dream a Little Dream (It’s really painful to put a movie with Jason Robards on one of my Worst Lists, but this vehicle for the ‘Coreys’ earned the #2 spot. I still can’t figure out if Feldman was supposed to be doing some kind of Michael Jackson impression or not. Bizarre.)
1 Cyborg (Wow! Crap! This was an EPIC turd. EPIC, I say!… I like the idea of Jean Claude Vann-Damme, as long as that idea doesn’t appear in a appallingly mindless excuse for a ‘movie’ like this one. It’s also almost unfair to pick on a movie like this since the production budget was so low. Not one of his finer martial arts flicks. Watching it will make you yearn for the complexities found in most scripts written for Jackie Chan.)

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