Crash Landen’s 10 Worst Movies of 2001

Okay, there were some awful movies in 2001, but I managed to avoid a lot of them. Still, the drek that I did watch was far more than just mediocre. The bad films distiguished themselves rather easily from the borderline dogs of that year. One I didn’t put on the list that probably deserves to be there is SNL alumnus Rob Schnieder’s The Animal.

Colleen Haskell makes any movie better even with minimal acting skills...

Although, it’s an awful movie, I just couldn’t bring myself to put something that Survivor’s Colleen Haskell was involved in on any kind of ‘Worst’ list.
Haskell, along with many of the other Survivor contestants on that first, enormously popular season, was getting offers from everyone and everywhere to make an appearance and she managed to get a role as the love interest in a Rob Schnieder movie…
So the Animal gets off scot-free for its transgressions upon the movie-going public. I probably could have put ‘Jeepers Creepers’, the ‘Jay and Silent Bob’ movie (although it made me laugh, occasionally), or the Vanilla Sky remake with Tom Cruise and Penelope Cruz. Cruz was also in the original version and it wasn’t exactly a great movie, either. Why they chose to remake it makes about as much dangedable sense as Colleen not winning Survivor.
Anyway, time to get on with the list:
10 Pearl Harbor (One of my favorite subjects is WW II. There are a myriad of heroic/tragic/disturbing/interesting stories that came from that era. I can enjoy Bay’s big dumb popcorn movies, but not when he throws historical accuracy out the window on an event that was as important as this one, not to mention the time frame that the movie was released in… Or that it’s a chick flick. Not the worst movie I’ve ever seen, but was an enormous letdown, nonetheless.)
10 Life As A House (The poster states ‘Explosive’, but this is only explosive in the way that some intense cases of diarhea is explosive. Life As A House is similar to Kevin Costner’s Grand Canyon if you took away its moral standards and great story. You’d be left with this. And it takes a supreme effort to knock Pearl Horror off my list. I mean ‘Harbor’.)
9 She Creature (The first  of 2 produced by the late, GREAT FX legend Stan Winston.Not as bad as my choice for Number one, but still very bad. Boring despite having some decent actors attached: Rufus Sewell and Carla Gugino. But as I always say ‘it’s up to the director whether a film sinks or floats’.)
8 The Pledge ( Not even Jack Frickin’ Nicholson could save this drowning cat of a movie. One of the worst, most anti-climactic endings ever. ) Gene Siskel used to say about bad movies that he would rather see a movie/documentary about the actors in a bad movie having lunch on the set of the bad film and that would make a more interesting film to watch. I think this would be a prime candidate for that theory.)
7 The Mummy Returns (I remember seeing some art/props from Joe Dante’s pitch for the Mummy remake  in Fangoria and was disappointed they gave it to director Stephen Sommers. I thought “Well, Sommers DID direct Deep Rising which I thoroughly enjoyed, and his pitch must’ve been remarkable, indeed, to get it over what I had seen out of Dante’s pitch.” Of course, I was wrong and it was Sommers’ first real foray into cheap looking crap CGI. This sequel was the same movie as the first one, only with more ‘duplicate, cut and paste’ FX. Instead of a big sand face, you got a big water face…. I want my money back.)
6 Along Came a Spider (First of 2 Monica Potter epics on my list.Also the first involving spiders. There’s a lot of doubles on this list.)
5 The Tailor of Panama (If I were to make a ‘Most Boring’ movies list, this one might sit atop the mountain… Even The English Patient  looks like a ‘Bourne’ movie, by comparison…)
4 Saving Silverman (Comedies, with Jack Black, especially, are supposed to be funny.)
3 Monkeybone (The 2nd Brendan Fraser movie on my list succeeded in parts to be kind of gross, but wasn’t really funny. Should have enjoyed this one more given its cartoonist protagonist. Bridget Fonda is the main bright spot. I can’t believe John Siuntres likes this one.)
2 Head Over Heels (Wasn’t responsible for choosing this one, in my own defense… Lots of beautiful women in it, though. )
1 Earth vs. the Spider (The 2nd Stan Winston produced film on the list. I saw this one on HBO I believe and I don’t think it was ever given a theatrical run. The movies quality more than justified that.
I can only hope that Colleen H. would approve of my list… How about you? Am I missing any really bad ones?

2 Responses to “Crash Landen’s 10 Worst Movies of 2001”

  1. Freddie Got Fingered

    • Crash! Landen Says:

      I’m quite sure that ‘Freddie Got Fingered’ would be on the last had I seen it. The one thing about my lists is that I had to have seen the movie. There are some films that I’m sure are deserving, but I have been able to avoid them. And I avoided anything with FGF’s star seeing as how I was NOT a fan.
      I won’t consider a movie unless I’ve seen it since these do have ‘Crash! Landen’ in the title. These are my little warnings to other people of the films that I have seen. If I wanted to make a truly accurate list of any year I would have to watch every single movie, even when I know it’s going to suck and I don’t willingly watch movies that I’m sure will do that unless I have a good reason, like being held at gunpoint and forced to watch. Which reminds me… I recently saw ‘Twilight’, so I probably need to update my ‘Worst Films of 2008’ list.

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