Crash! Landen’s Top 10 Worst Movies of 2003

UPDATE:  I have to give a Special Mention to Pensacola’s own Horror Film: This Darkness:The Vampire Virus. It was a film made on what I can only assume was a bare minimum budget. After seeing this at Pensacola’s Silver Screen Theater (which is more like a dirty lounge than a theater), I remember seeing David Everritt (the guy on the poster there) staring me down from across the theater. I think (besides the drunken kids a couple of tables over) I was probably the only person that wasn’t part of the cast or ‘family’ and he was trying to figure out just who the hell I was.
BUT, I did enjoy it more than the films on this list. Dylan O’Leary made an effort with much less to work with than the crap on this list and even had some decent martial arts shots. This was a much better effort than his movie Scouts, too. With that being said, here are the REALLY bad ones form 2003.
#10 Anger Management (Had a few laughs, but both leads just took a paycheck on this one. A better movie where Sandler has an anger problem is Punch Drunk-Love. Or the Waterboy.)
#9 Underworld (Kate Beckinsale IS lovingly photographed throughout, though.)
#8 Milwaukee, Minnesota
#7 Elephant (Tedious.Gratuitous. Politically motivated. Boring.)
#6 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (Wow. Alan Moore’s work gets raped again.)
#5 Dreamcatcher (Somewhat watchable, but still a bad film. I really don’t care to see ANY movie with monsters that derive from a victim’s @$$.
#4 House of 1000 Corpses (Had a few moments that gives you an idea that Rob Zombie might actually make a good movie one day, but so far he’s only been able to believably portray ‘suffering’ in a film.)
#3 The Order (Hard to believe the people responsible for this also made A Knight’s Tale. Slow and stupid. Bad story, direction, dialogue, cinematography and FX. Just bad.)
#2 Freddy vs. Jason (C’mon…)
#1 Haute Tension (High Tension) (Rode a MASSIVE TIDAL WAVE of buzz over to the states. I was very eager to see this since it was supposed to the rare ‘great’ horror flick and having a stunner like Cecille DeFrance in the starring role doesn’t hurt, either. I quickly realized how bad the movie was early on and when I say bad, I mean laugh out loud funny bad. Easily makes my Top 5 Worst of all time and possibly could end up at the top (or bottom). Has massive holes of logic that the filmmakers just ignore. It is a french film, so I should have expected it to be a bit wacky. There are a plethora of moments that are I guess supposed to be shocking, but come off as nothing more than ridiculously silly.
MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT: Towards the end of this movie, the director/producer/whoever must have realized the bomb that they were holding in their hands and just accelerated to ludicrous speed. The film’s star turns out to be the film’s killer, which I kind of predicted, but I remember thinking “They can’t do that. That makes no sense.” But they did. There are scenes where DeFrance is in a car chasing the bad guy who’s in another car and holding another woman hostage… In ANOTHER car. It wasn’t in her head. There WERE 2 vehicles. SHE’S DRIVING 2 VEHICLES AT THE SAME FRICKIN’ TIME!!!
Anyway, DeFrance never is believable as someone who could actually physically commit the murders that occur. But no matter. The ending comes with DeFrance looking directly at the camera and finally revealing how ‘crazy’ she is with police looking on from another room. The look (and wail) she flashes to the camera (with stillframe ending) made me laugh out loud. I didn’t laugh long, though, since I don’t really find it funny when I get suckered.
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Thoughts?
Underworld, Milwaukee  Minnesota, Elephant, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Dreamcatcher, House of 1000 Corpses, The Order, Freddy vs. Jason,Haute Tension, High Tension
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5 Responses to “Crash! Landen’s Top 10 Worst Movies of 2003”

  1. Crash! Landen Says:

    I couldn’t disagree more. There are multiple plot holes actually and not just because the whole film was a cheat. If you tell one of these kinds of stories, you have to at some point establish a ‘true’ reality during the course of the film. High Tension did not. It has an explanation at the end with that classic copout ‘the whole thing was a dream’ garbage. Without the proper setup that builds up to that, it’s a supreme fail, which this was.
    There are many films that do variations of this that do work… Inception, Shutter Island, Time Bandits, The Wizard Of Oz. All classics, because they all had the proper information and setup in the course of the film.
    This film reminded me of the Asian film ‘Versus’ (came out in 200 I think) where the reveal is meaningless, also. SPOILER ALERT: In that one the entire movie a man defends an innocent bystander from multiple opponents trying to kill the both of them. After the film ends there’s what can only be called a second ending where the hero is revealed far in the future to have been the villain, almost as if after they finished shooting the director had a better idea than the crap movie he had been shooting. If they had at any point in the film given ANY kind of hint that the hero may actually have been the villain, the movie might have been a film that worked. INSTEAD, it was 90 minutes or so of ridiculous and repetitive martial arts scenes that used practically no imagination.
    High Tension on the other hand, had me saying very early on in the film: ” They’re really not going to go there are they?” and “I can’t believe I wasted my time and money on this”. So they did manage to set up that the film was crap from the opening credits, I suppose.

  2. Austin Says:

    “High Tension” – The whole film was Marie telling a story. No plot holes, just holes in Marie’s storytelling. It isn’t until the end that the line between what Marie believes and what really happened is blurred.

    Evidence of this: before the credits start rolling, we see Marie’s back all scratched up. She repeats, “I won’t let anyone come between us anymore…” over and over. Then there is a beep and a little red light comes on. Marie says, “Are they recording?” From then on, it’s Marie telling us what happened from her deranged point of view.

  3. Crash! Landen Says:

    Did not see Gothika. Will not…
    Identity was another one that I predicted the ending within the first five minutes of the movie, but I like some of the people involved so it didn’t piss me off enough to put it on the list.

    Open Water…. I debated whether to put that one on the list… The reason I didn’t: it was SO low budget that I can’t hold it to the standard of a big budgeter like Underworld. In several parts of the movie, you could tell they were using the ‘digital zoom’ option on their camcorders. Plus, they actually really were swimming with the sharks to make that one. You have to give them that. BUT it was what I hate the most in a movie, which is being completely pointless. I don’t mind movies where protagonists die at the end as long as there’s a point being made. The only point Open Water was trying to make was to depress the audience with the stranded couple’s bickering, finger pointing and ultimately the ‘suffering’. You’re right that it’s a bad movie. I saw that at the theater and was disappointed and even a little angry. It could very easily be switched out with my #4 – #10, I think.

    But c’mon… Freddy vs Jason… Just the title alone screams ” WE KNOW THIS IS A STUPID IDEA, BUT WE KNOW THERE WILL BE SOME TEENAGERS THAT THINK THIS WILL BE AWESOME SO WE CAN MAKE A BUCK OFF OF THIS CRAP!”
    And it sounds like you heven’t seen the Order. Heath Ledger’s in it. This was after ‘A Knight’s Tale with the same director. And you put Shannyn Sossamon in a movie and I’M THERE DUDE (she rocks bigtime). Hell, Peter Weller’s init! You probably think it’s not as bad as I’m letting on, that it can’t be THAT bad with who I’ve mentioned…. Trust me, it’s like they made the movie ‘under the influence’ and NOT in a good way. It’s like they didn’t know what movies actually were, these ‘video things that people watch.

  4. Bob Johnson Says:

    Though you did miss a couple that easily make the top 10.
    Identity
    Gothika

    But above all (except High Tension because you’ve never been more correct in your life.)
    Open Water
    Open Water
    Open Water
    Open Water

    That’s how bad it is. It alone should round out the top 5

  5. Bob Johnson Says:

    Word.

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