Crash! Landen’s Top 10 Worst Movies of 2003
UPDATE: I have to give a Special Mention to Pensacola’s own Horror Film: This Darkness:The Vampire Virus. It was a film made on what I can only assume was a bare minimum budget. After seeing this at Pensacola’s Silver Screen Theater (which is more like a dirty lounge than a theater), I remember seeing David Everritt (the guy on the poster there) staring me down from across the theater. I think (besides the drunken kids a couple of tables over) I was probably the only person that wasn’t part of the cast or ‘family’ and he was trying to figure out just who the hell I was.
BUT, I did enjoy it more than the films on this list. Dylan O’Leary made an effort with much less to work with than the crap on this list and even had some decent martial arts shots. This was a much better effort than his movie Scouts, too. With that being said, here are the REALLY bad ones form 2003.
#10 Anger Management (Had a few laughs, but both leads just took a paycheck on this one. A better movie where Sandler has an anger problem is Punch Drunk-Love. Or the Waterboy.)
#5 Dreamcatcher (Somewhat watchable, but still a bad film. I really don’t care to see ANY movie with monsters that derive from a victim’s @$$.
#4 House of 1000 Corpses (Had a few moments that gives you an idea that Rob Zombie might actually make a good movie one day, but so far he’s only been able to believably portray ‘suffering’ in a film.)
#3 The Order (Hard to believe the people responsible for this also made A Knight’s Tale. Slow and stupid. Bad story, direction, dialogue, cinematography and FX. Just bad.)
#1 Haute Tension (High Tension) (Rode a MASSIVE TIDAL WAVE of buzz over to the states. I was very eager to see this since it was supposed to the rare ‘great’ horror flick and having a stunner like Cecille DeFrance in the starring role doesn’t hurt, either. I quickly realized how bad the movie was early on and when I say bad, I mean laugh out loud funny bad. Easily makes my Top 5 Worst of all time and possibly could end up at the top (or bottom). Has massive holes of logic that the filmmakers just ignore. It is a french film, so I should have expected it to be a bit wacky. There are a plethora of moments that are I guess supposed to be shocking, but come off as nothing more than ridiculously silly.
MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT: Towards the end of this movie, the director/producer/whoever must have realized the bomb that they were holding in their hands and just accelerated to ludicrous speed. The film’s star turns out to be the film’s killer, which I kind of predicted, but I remember thinking “They can’t do that. That makes no sense.” But they did. There are scenes where DeFrance is in a car chasing the bad guy who’s in another car and holding another woman hostage… In ANOTHER car. It wasn’t in her head. There WERE 2 vehicles. SHE’S DRIVING 2 VEHICLES AT THE SAME FRICKIN’ TIME!!!
Anyway, DeFrance never is believable as someone who could actually physically commit the murders that occur. But no matter. The ending comes with DeFrance looking directly at the camera and finally revealing how ‘crazy’ she is with police looking on from another room. The look (and wail) she flashes to the camera (with stillframe ending) made me laugh out loud. I didn’t laugh long, though, since I don’t really find it funny when I get suckered.
Underworld, Milwaukee Minnesota, Elephant, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Dreamcatcher, House of 1000 Corpses, The Order, Freddy vs. Jason,Haute Tension, High Tension