GI Joe Review with Spoilers (1.5 of 5)

GIANT WARNING: SPOILERS abound…. There are also probably dozens of blatant errors of all sorts throughout, but the filmmakers didn’t care so I don’t care….. Here we go!

2JScott

   When I first heard that they were making a GI:Joe movie, I wondered what took them so long, considering Hollywood seems to be assaulting everything else  from my childhood. Unnecessary sequels, prequels, remakes, movies based on cartoons, video games, comic books and toylines… And it almost feels like they have a disdain for all of it. Don’t worry about story. Just make some shiny CGI graphics, a few CGI characters bouncing all around the screen, lots of CGI explosions and advertise the hell out of it. That’s the way to make a hundred million in your opening weekend at the box office nowadays. They’ve folowed that plan pretty closely on this movie.

The man responsible....

The man responsible....

     That’s not all that it had going against it in my eyes, though. Stephen ‘The Mummy Series’ Sommers is the director. He is the KING of crap CGI. I actually liked some of his earlier movies. The Huck Finn movie was okay. The Jungle Book live action movie was tolerable. Deep Rising was fun. Then he made The Mummy. They could have hired Joe Dante for that one, but they go with Sommers. Was it succesful? It made money, but that wouldn’t be my definition of success. For me The Mummy marks the beginning of an era filled with blustery, dumbed down, soulless, CGI drek, with Sommers being maybe the most egregious  offender of this crap. The Scorpion King. Van Helsing. The Mummy Sequels. For me these films are no better than Uwe Boll movies and warrant direct to DVD/Blue-Ray releases… Sommers’ movies are like Micheal Bay knockoffs with less overt sex appeal and crappier effects…. and I’m being kind.

gijoe_w1

This is a movie based on a cartoon series made  to sell toys. Not formerly a novel. Not based some old TV show. Not a classic story. Not based on a cartoon, even. Based on a cartoon based on a toy franchise. I had some of those. I had some of the really old series with the Kung Fu action grip.

Similar to the one I had...

Similar to the one I had...

 

I still have a lot of the old comic books.

I've got this one!

I've got this one!

And they’ve updated the comic series over the years. There were some cool artists on all of these.

Jeff Scott Campbell cover!

Jeff Scott Campbell cover! Scarlet looks like Fairchild from Gen13!

Some of them put a lot of effort into making it look like this was a series that ‘mattered’.

A very serious Cobra Commander. Doesn't look like the raving idiot weasel from the cartoon does he?

A very serious Cobra Commander. Doesn't look like the raving idiot weasel from the cartoon does he?

GI:Joe comics even got the Adam Hughes cover treatment! just look at how smokin’ hot the Baroness looks on this one!

Adam Hughes Baroness

The smokin' hot villainess with the nerdy glasses!

But it’s still just a toy franchise. Based on this I wasn’t expecting an Academy Award winning screenplay, not that I care what the ‘Academy’ thinks anyway. I wasn’t expecting anything too serious. I was just hoping for a fun time.

This might've been a better premise...

This might've been a better premise...

 

They cast a Wayans brother. Really?… The number of Wayans Brothers that are involved in a given movie is always a helpful barometer in how bad the movie is going to be. There was only one involved in this as far as I know, so I thought the damage to the movie would be negilgible. Trouble is, he had a fairly large part which equals many opportunities to drop the intelligence level.  The Wayans brothers had a great TV show at one time, but those days are no longer even in the rear view mirror. They’re long gone.

gijoe-rip

The 'other' Wayans brother....

The advertising for GI:Joe… Ohhhhh, the advertising…. Explosions! Monuments being destroyed! This time it’s the Eiffel Tower (CGI audiences love monuments being destroyed!)!… When I saw the first trailer for this in the movie theater, the CGI looked awful and looked to have the same problem that all of these CGI movies have. The artists working on these movies have no concept of weight and gravity and the Laws of Physics which makes their effects look really ‘cheap’. It’s like looking at bad photoshop jobs in print with the built in embossed effects and airbrushed fire by someone who doesn’t really know what they’re doing. Just bad…

gi-joe-intl-poster

And the posters…

gi_joe_poster-379x590

Dear Lord, the posters…

gi-joe-0713a

Snake Eyes!

There must be a poster for every frame of this movie….

I like this one, though...

I like this one, though...

They go on and on and on…

Baroness!

Baroness!

 

 

A lot of them have that ‘Dark Knight’ look, too, with all of the sparks and debris flying;  possibly the same artist even… They’ll chalk this up to putting out all of the variants for ‘the fans’, but really it’s just another way for them to cash in. I really feel sorry for the completist geeks out there that are going to purchase every single poster at $30 a pop or more. They’ll wake up to the realization one day that they’ve invested all of their time and money in unimportant crap like this that was marketed with their geek OCD in mind. Just depressing.

Ripcord

   Maybe I should start typing about the actual movie. I just wanted to establish some of the things that were going against this movie. With all that being said, I do not like going to a movie and not enjoying it. Or being disappointed. But I could not POSSIBLY be disappointed in this one, because just as I did with the Transformers movies, I lowered any and all expectations. In fact, I had absolutely no expectations for this movie. I went in bracing for an absolutely horrible experience, so that if there was anything at all that was good about this movie, then I would be entertained. I really hate going into a movie experience feeling that way. Why don’t I just save myself the trip and headache if I think it’s going to be this bad?  Because, I’m hopeful. I hope I’ll be wrong. I hope that I am completely surprised by what I see unfold before me….. 

Snake Eyes!

Snake Eyes!

Nope. Didn’t happen. It sucked. Sure it had a moment or two. I got the nerd glee to see something from childhood set to live action, but as afar as it being a good movie, it wasn’t. It was the typical Hollywood standard. It’s a kid’s movie so they dumb it down for kids because Hollywood thinks kids are dumb and then they make it PG-13 which really isn’t for kids. Makes no sense. I say they dumb it down for kids, but really I think the producers, and director and screenwriter probably thought this was thoughtfully written and appropriate for the kind of film that it is…. It certainly doesn’t have to be the Dark Knight, but they at least shoot for the first Spider-man movie caliber of intelligence and characterization? I guess I’m getting ahead of myself again. Are you getting a feel for what I think of this movie? 

 

Snake-eyes! Again....

Snake-eyes! Again....

    It starts out a few hundred years ago in France where a Scottish guy is getting his face burned off for supplying arms or something. I don’t know really, the movie lost my attention on multiple occasions. I don’t think this had really anything to do with the movie, except that his descendent is still in that line of business and I guess is out for revenge for what happened to his great great great gran-pappy… or something. I don’t know… But he’s not even the real bad guy here. He’s not Cobra Commander! All a red herring of a sort.

 

Not MY Duke...

Not MY choice for Duke...

Then it goes to the main star from the cartoon series ‘Duke’ (Channing Tatum) who is completely different than the Duke I remember. The one I remember is an intense (for a cartoon) middle aged combat veteran  who leads the Joes into battle. Here he’s a bigger Marky Mark. This Duke is a special forces guy who had once turned down the chance to part of GI:Joe and who had once loved the Baroness (Sienna Miller) and who while on a mission or something (lost interest again) had sent her brother (Joseph Gordon Levitt) into a building alone to get ‘scientific facts’ or something with the knowledge that he had just ordered an airstrike on that building. Brilliant. Of course once Levitt is inside, the jets level the building. He survives however, unbeknownst to anyone else, except the scientist (a Kevin J. O’Connor Cameo) that was conducting the experiments with nano technology for mind control, who survives also and disappears from the movie.  Soon after the funeral (to which Duke cruises by on his motorcycle… he’s too cool to stop for funerals even if it’s his fiance’s brother’s funeral), the now apparently insane brother pops up and uses the technology on his despondant sister to ‘help her cope for his loss’ (what?!) and to begin his plan for world domination (what?!). If that makes sense to you, you have a drug or alcohol problem. Or both. I guess the wedding was called off because the death came between them or something. Blame was cast. I’m trying to cover for them….

gi-joe-chris-eccleston-dest

Wasn't he in 28 Days Later?

Anway,  Duke and his buddy Ripcord (one of the Wayans brothers… not Keenan Ivory or Damon) are guarding/transporting warheads with nano technology (that are capable of destroying the entire world if the off switch isn’t pressed… I’m not kidding). This was supplied by the Scottish dude McCullen (Dr. Who’s Christopher Eccleston) who after showing the technology to UN folks and turns it over to the US (I guess) plots to steal it back…I still don’t get why he would do that. He explained it, but it wasn’t a logical reason.

MovieClip 1

Anyway, in comes the Baroness and Cobra who wipe out everyone there except Duke. Then GI:Joe sweeps in to save them. They are no longer Real American Heroes. They are now real Multi-national…. Apparently that’s better than being just American. Cobra is momentarily foiled. Duke and Ripcord decide they want in.

Keeps his Liberty stamps handy for just such a movie....

Keeps his Liberty stamps handy for just such a movie....

      They want to take on Cobra, so General Hawk (Dennis Quaid who’s mailing it in)  puts them through the paces to see if they have what it takes…. Is this really how the military works? Is it?

1034458999_turesGiJoe

Even though he did just take the paycheck he does look like the cartoon character…

Mmmmm. The Baroness...

Mmmmm. The Baroness...

     We find out the Baroness is married to a Baron who is a scientist working on more nanotechnology experiments (I guess)… Storm Shadow pops up to remind the Baroness (who is under mind control) that she’s there to do a job and that he’ll kill her husband if he lays a hand on her (McCullen is taking advantage of the mind control situation and is jealous)…

sienna-miller-g-i-joe

Let me say right here, that out of all the characters, they got the look of the Baroness exactly right. She didn’t have the accent, but Sienna Miller mostly looked like who she was playing even though it looked like she was wearing a Chekov wig at times. 

gi-joe-rise-of-cobra-images

They also got the look of Storm Shadow semi-right, but I don’t remember him taking the hood off so much and jabbering so often. He was just there to have cool swordfights with Snake-eyes.

gi_joe68-1024x522

So in rolls another Sommers guy, Brendan Fraser, making a brief cameo. He trains Duke and Ripcord,  with help from Snake-eyes (Ray Park), and Scarlet (played by the lovely and talented Rachel Nichols). They learn how to use ‘Accelerator Suits’ which was just of ripping off last year’s Iron Man for some more crappy CGI scenes. While training, Cobra attacks and retrieves the nano-warheads.

 

If you're going to kill a Joe, why would it be this one?

If you're going to kill a Joe, why would it be this one?

And Storm Shadow kills Karolina Kurkova. Well, Cover Girl, the General’s right hand girl (subtext)… Storm Shadow impales her with his sword (subtext). She’s the only name Joe that dies. Why would you kill off Karolina Kurkova when you could not kill her and just have her lounging around in every scene?It would have made this movie MUCH better.

Seriously? Why?

Seriously? Why?

Please, someone?

karolina-kurkova-8

Anyone? Why would you do this? If you have to pick one, why go with what amounts to the hot secretary? How about Ripcord? Or that French dude? Hawk is stabbed, but he survives… Why is CoverGirl the only one that dies in the entire freaking movie?!…. Moving on….

 I think after Cobra escapes with the goods, we get a flashback scene where they show Storm Shadow and Snake-eyes as kids. Snake-eyes  tries to steal food from the home of  Storm Shadow. They have an incredibly unnecessary fight. it’s the first of many that we’ll see between 2 martial arts kids. Why TF was this in this movie? Did we really need backstory on these 2? Really? Did we? They are in the movie to have the cool sword fight showdown. Anyone watching this knows that. Do we have to have backstory on this?

gijoe09-7-20

I think they made a great casting decision for Snake-eyes, but why, oh, why won’t anyone let Ray Park say something in a movie?! He’s played Darth Maul, the Headless Horseman… I don’t even remember him talking as the Toad in the X-Men movie. Is he that bad of an actor? Does his voice sound like a little girl’s voice? The kid Snake-eyes talks. Why can’t Ray Park? 

gijoe-set02

They did manage to make Snake-eyes look like Snake-eyes, but I don’t get the facial features on his mask. That’s just as silly as the nipples on Schumacher’s Batman and Robin in my book. And while I’m on the subject, the reason Snake-eyes was so cool (besides being the ninja swordsman guy) was the fact that he wore black. None of the other Joes did that.

gi-joe-the-movie

In this movie they all wear black, which takes away the coolness of him being the lone good guy that wore black. They took away all of the individuality of each character. Every ‘comic-bookish’ movie does this now, from X-Men, to Hancock, to Batman… 

gi-joe-a-real-american-hero-the-complete-series-collectors-set-20090719094850674-000

Why couldn’t Scarlet and Duke wear what they wore in the cartoon?

gijoe_scarlett_2

Okay Rachel Nichols as Scarlet looked hot like this. But I still would’ve preferred her in the gray and yellow. Didn’t have to have the yellow bodysuit, but having the color scheme would have been the right thing to do…

GI_Joe_Scarlett

Having her dressed in black not only takes away from Snake-Eyes, but it makes her look like  a red-headed Baroness. She does look pretty darn smokin’, though…

 

Wow. Rachel Nichols....

Wow. Rachel Nichols....

……………………………………………………………….Where was I?

 

    There is an overly long scene that involved the Joes and Cobra racing to the Eiffel Tower to launch a nano-warhead missile. This made no sense either,  since  no matter where these warheads go off, the destruction just keeps expanding until the off button is pushed… But for some reason the epicenter had to be the Eiffel Tower…. The Joes save Paris (of course), except for the Tower…. I think there is also a pair of missiles that are aimed at Washington and Moscow…. This is all a master plan to…. get this… cause a diversion so that Cobra can replace the US President with Zartan, who goes through a procedure using nano technology to look exactly like the President (played by Jonathan Pryce who is slumming here).

zartan10rn

Zartan looks nothing like he did from the old cartoon. I think he was brought in the 2nd season and was part of the new toyline. I always thought he looked cool as a kid and he was Australian….

ThatMummyGuy

The guy playing him here was the guy that played the Mummy in The Mummy.I don’t think they even tried to make him look like what Zartan looked like.  For every good match, they added a bad one….

 

 

 

Roadblock

In some cases they seem to have changed the name also…This was Roadblock… 

 

And another poster...

And another poster...

And here’s ‘Heavy Duty’ played by Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje… Say that three times fast…

Back to the story or what passes for one…. Duke is taken prisoner by ‘The Doctor’ (Joeseph Gordon Levitt) who turns out to be the Cobra Commander. There’s a big ‘reveal’ that he’s the brother of the Baroness, that only Lois Lane could have missed. The Joes race to the rescue and Duke ends up saving the Baroness and bringing her back from the dark side.

10857520_galI like Levitt, I think he’s been in some decent movies like Brick and the Lookout, but I think he was a poor choice to play the Cobra Commander. He has a similar build to the CC, but I couldn’t shake that awful weasel-like voice from the 80s cartoon out of my head. I needed that. I think it was a poor career move for Levitt also, since he’s been building his career through the indie route.

 

Here's a really nice poster of the Baroness...

Here's a really nice poster of the Baroness...

Anyway, McCullen is wounded while he and the Doctor try to escape. For some reason, the Cobra Commander had been planning that McCullen would be wounded at some point. More specifically have his face horribly burned and had prepared a special Bat-nano-hypo-concoction that would grow a metallic skin over his head and make hiom servantile to him. Then he named him Destro…. Okay, so McCullen is Destro, but why the hell would he rename him this? There is absolutely no reason given.

 

And ANOTHER Baroness poster...

And ANOTHER Baroness poster...

 

The 2 Cobra head honchos are captured , but the movie ends with the knowledge that Zartan is now the President. So this is just a setup for another crappy movie…. The end.

 

A Storm Shadow Poster....

A Storm Shadow Poster....

I managed to make it to the end on this one. I’ve only walked out on 3 movies in my life. Domino (after the Knightly topless scene, of course), Max Payne, and The Spirit (which may be on the top of my Worst Ever List). I really had urges to walk out on this one, but fought the urges off successfully. It’s not on my worst ever list, but it was right up there. Lately there has been a lot of garbage coming out of the theaters. Hopefully movies like Shutter Island and  Avatar will start a cycle of better movies in the near future.

 

Another nice Rachel Nichols poster...

Another nice Rachel Nichols poster...

Overall I’m giving this one one and a half ________s. I gave it an extra star for Nicholls and Miller and Kurkova’s brief appearance, but took away an extra half star for the ‘other’ Wayans’ brother. Thankfully, it’s over… here’s some more posters for good measure, though….

2009_gi_joe_wallpaper_002-1024x819Scarlet…

gijoe_18Duke…

GIJOE1Another Duke…

GIJOE2Another Ripcord variant….

 

Snake-eyes!

Snake-eyes!

Yet another Snake-eyes….

 

Baroness!

Baroness!

A lovely Baroness variant…

gi-joe-0713bAnother Storm Shadow….

 

Snake-eyes!

Snake-eyes!

Is that ANOTHER freakin’ ,Snake-eyes poster?!!!!

giJoe-Poster-duke-6-08Another Duke poster. That makes 35, right?

Storm Shadow GI Joe MovieStorm Shadow for the Asian market…. He’s probably the star in the Asian version like Kato in the Green Hornet.

GIJOE5

Another Scarlet poster… Not that I mind…

 

Snake-eyes!

Another Storm Shadow?Apparently they go on into oblivion. There is probably a printer running right now with 400 more variants…. Poor, poor, poor poster collecting nerds…. I’m signing off with my favorite GI:Joe picture from the internet…

rat-hunter-gi-joe

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27 Responses to “GI Joe Review with Spoilers (1.5 of 5)”

  1. […] GI Joe Review with Spoilers (1.5 of 5) August 2009 26 comments 3 […]

  2. Crash! Landen Says:

    Then you came to the right place….Kidding! I only do spoilers for films with lazy or incompetant filmmakers that don’t care that they’re ripping off the public with a bad film.

  3. Hahaaa! I LOVE spoilers!

  4. Crash! Landen Says:

    Okaaaayyyy….
    Salute to America on the 4th! USA! USA! USA!

  5. lalousnayo Says:

    ke buenos posters…… espero kon ansias la segunda parta de la pelicula….. arriba scarlett!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    saludos a bolivia

    lalo usnayo

  6. Crash! Landen Says:

    If you’re a Simon Pegg fan, I’m sure you’ve seen ‘Shaun Of The Dead’. On the commentary with Pegg and the director they talk about the Darth Maul voiceover by Peter Serafinowicz (who played Shaun’s brother). I, too am a Pegg fan, especially when he’s also one of the writers.

    And I’m not really a ‘Trekkie’ either. I liked the new movie for the most part. I still think the ‘Khan’ movie was the best, though. It stands alone even better than the new one (and I still get choked up when a certain member of the crew dies (I’m a sap).

    Like you, I watch a ton of movies and my reviews are generally not written in a ‘professional’ manner, but feel free to comment on those or my Best’Worst Lists. The lists are constantly changing and being updated (for instance, I just saw City of God 2 nights ago and added it to my 2003 list… outstanding movie). And like all ‘lists’ and reviews are just opinions. I went to lunch yesterday with a couple of friends of mine and was berated for a half hour for putting the Mark Wahlberg movie ‘Shooter’ on one of my Best Of Lists… Can’t help that I liked it!

    And very cool to hear you’re in film school! That sounds exciting and I wish you luck with that. Being a director would be a sweet line of work if you can get it….

  7. You are welcome for being civil, I hate the whole “nerd debate” thing, I dont understand why people can not just agree to disagree. I would much prefer a civil mature conversation even if we have differing opinions. I will say that for as much of a Star Wars geek I am I did not know that his voice was dubbed over, I am going to have to look in to that now, lol.

    Yes, ‘covergirl’ dying was completely pointless, the only minute point to that that I can even imagine would be to point out that maybe Stormshadow has some honor or something because he doesn’t kill women, but it was completely unneeded, I think the only line she had was right there at that part, I think she asks Hawk for a signature or something.

    The Eiffel Tower thing is a pointless contemplation though you are right. For that matter the whole chase scene, though I will admit was pretty cool with Snake Eyes all over the hummer and the jumping through and over the train part (I have to admit I love the line about reading the manual between Duke and Ripcord, funny) the Eiffel Tower can be seen from most of Paris so why they had to have a whole chase to get to that specific point makes no sense at all. Whatever their reasoning it a closed matter cause if made no sense.

    I will apologize I must have misunderstood your initial posting with the “worst movie of all time” thing, I must have missed the part where you said of the last year. I would love to read your reviews of other movies the only reason I have never commented on any of your other posts is because this is the first one I have seen. I am actually in film school currently and am aspiring to be a director so movies are pretty much my life. I am even the manager of a movie rental place, lol so I have seen thousands upon thousands of movies and I really really enjoy having discussions about movies good and bad, especially with someone like you who seems like you can agree to disagree. So I look forward to reading more reviews from you on previous films and upcoming releases. Yeah, that is Rachel Nichols in Star Trek, I love noticing details like that. I watch movies over and over and try to notice minute details that no one else sees every time I watch it. I really can’t stand Star Trek I was never a fan but I saw the new Star Trek movie like 2 or 3 times in the theater. All in all I think J.J. Abrams did an amazing job with the recreation of the story and the visuals and even the casting was damn good. Simon Pegg as Scotty, Epic, lol.

  8. Crash! Landen Says:

    Agree with everything that you said, especially the ‘face of a leader’ part.

  9. I remember watching the cartoon series when I was still young. What I like about them is their uniqueness to each and everyone. I like snake eyes very much until now. The good guys wearing black suit and his foe storm shadow wearing white suit. In the movie if you look at them all, they might kill their own side/team because they wear black the most. YES your right. what happened to their costumes or their original suit? I don’t say that you need to copy the old one,s but the people who used to watch them very much before where looking for their idol joes. I like duke also on the cartoon series. He was like aged 35 to 40’s kinda like that. The face of a leader if you look at
    him. In the movie his kinda young and dosent look like his very serious as a duke’s character.

    I hope to see more color if there would be a 2nd part for the movie. Not to copy them but at least make them like the original one’s but more modern.

  10. Crash! Landen Says:

    Let me just say, I get WAY more opinions about the movies that I think suck than the ones I like. It always seems to be taken personally, when someone reads my opinion and then disagrees. Some people think it’s an attack on their intelligence or ego or whatever when they like something (or LOVE it) and you point out the flaws that you think are there. It IS just entertainment, but I personally enjoy movies that are made intelligently and have what I would consider some kind of creative ‘quality’.

    That being said, I’ve seen much worse than this movie. It IS on my Top 10 Worst of Last Year ( https://crashlanden.wordpress.com/2010/01/04/revised-bestworst-movies-of-2009-that-ive-seen/ ), but wouldn’t be on my ‘Worst Ever’ list. It looks like an Academy Award winner next to movies like Street Fighter or the Spirit.

    I won’t argue detailshere (or try not to).

    You’re right about Zartan killing ‘Covergirl’, but it was still pointless. Did she even have a line in the movie? It added nothing to the movie; it detracted from it, if nothing else. They killed the secretary. So what? Seemed a bit misogynistic, too.

    About the Eiffel Tower thing, though, it still doesn’t matter where the weapon went off. Set it off a mile from the Tower and it still gets vaporized. But this is one of ‘those kinds’ of nerd debates I try to avoid, even though I’m a nerd.

    Ray Park never spoke as Darth Maul, though; that I’m sure of. He was dubbed by (british actor?) Peter Serafinowicz.

    Thanks for the corrections you gave (Destro, etc) and for being civil. As I’ve said repeatedly on my blog, don’t let MY opinion affect your own enjoyment of this or any other movie. ‘Different strokes’ and all that… I think I avoid personal attacks on actors, directors, etc; I do TRY to explain my reasoning for my opinion of a movie. I may slip occasionally, though.

    (And that was Rachel Nichols in Star Trek?! I’ve seen that 5 or 6 times and never would have got that! Another reasopn to watch that, again.)

  11. So I want to first start this off by saying I don’t completely disagree with you, this movie was not that great and I do agree that it was a serious disappointment. However I just wanted to point out some stuff about factual data that you made a mistake about. The first being that you said “There is absolutely no reason given.” about CC renaming McCullen Destro. The reason is given actually in the beginning when they show his ancestor, as they put the mask on him and burn the shit out of his face they state, “you will forever more be known as Destro” or some shit like that, so actually the reason is quite clearly stated. The next thing I noticed was you say the there was no reason for the epicenter of the nanomite warhead to be the Eiffel tower, on the contrary if you were planning on causing not only physical damage but damage to moral wouldnt you aim for a very significant symbol? I think that is clear justification for aiming for the Eiffel tower, the fact that the destruction would keep spreading was just kind of a plus. Oh yeah one more thing, Ray Park has one line as Darth Maul “At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi, At last we will have revenge.” (I am a huge star wars nerd, not the new three those were just shit but anyway) and I could have sworn he had one or two lines as Toad but I would have to watch the movie again. The last thing I noticed was just a little tiny thing, Storm Shadow was not the one who killed Karolina Kurkova, Zartan did remember because he say that stupid line to Stormshadow about not killing women or some shit. Either way I again want to be clear that I am not disagreeing with you or trying to change your mind I just wanted to point out some flaws in factual information. I was not really pleased with the movie myself, though I wouldn’t say it was within my “worst movie ever” category, nor would I say that among the thousands of movies I have seen did this one even come close to horrible CGI, it might not have bee Avatar quality but there are many many more movies out there with much much worse CGI. But the costumes were extremely disappointing, especially what was with that stupid shit they tried to pull off as CC’s mask? Horrible. The physical likenesses of the people themselves was pretty good and yes they did toss in a couple of super hotties, though I think it’s a toss up for me whether Rachel Nichols was hotter as Scarlett or as the green skinned Gaila in Star Trek lol. Anyway there is my two cents like your review although it may be a little overly critical at times but the basic gist I will agree with.

  12. Crash! Landen Says:

    I think they combined 2 characters for Quaid’s role. Yet another poor creative choice on the part of the filmmakers.

  13. You have a mistake above, the picture below Dennis Quaid as General Hawk, is actually Flint.

  14. Yeah, that’s a pretty fair assessment. I was really dissapointed that they had to warp it so much – would’ve been nice to keep the characters and costumes closer to what we had come to enjoy. What’s up with ripcord? Should have been Stalker and probably a different actor – maybe Jamie Foxx. It wasn’t a horrible movie if you forget about the comic series story lines, but unfortunately it’s what we have come to expect from Hollywood. Since George Lucas got away with butchering the Star Wars history in the Prequels in the name of profit, so everything is fair-game now.

  15. Crash! Landen Says:

    Yeah, prob’ly. 😛

  16. Yet with all the criticism, you will still go see the sequel.

  17. Crash! Landen Says:

    Please folks, if you have nothing constructive or new to say, then please do not reply. It’s a pointless, waste of time when I get the “you’re just a hater” or whatever (I just delete those). I gave as thorough of a review as I could and stated reason by reason the problems that I had with the movie (or why I liked it), as I always do. It’s my opinion as all reviews are really just opinions. Unlike a lot of critics though, I try to have an informed opinion without an agenda. If I have an agenda, you can be assured it won’t be hidden. I’ll spell it out as thoroughly as the review.
    Thanks,
    Crash! Landen
    😉

  18. Crash! Landen Says:

    No, it was that bad. I think I covered that. Transformers had a better sense of humor about it and had far superior FX. The actors also were of higher caliber and that’s not saying much considering Megan Fox was in Transformers. Both could have been a LOT better, though.

  19. The movie wasn’t that bad the story was easy to follow and understand. I take this movie over the Transformers that one was horrible.

  20. Crash! Landen Says:

    LOL. I don’t own the pic or copyright or anything like that. I got it from the internet, somewhere. I thought it was clever and went with the review.

  21. You shot a squirl, I”M TELLING.

    you are in soooo much trouble. When I tell people, people will come and
    slap you and put you in squirl jail, you will be abused by other squirls, they are gonna git ya. SLAPP you around some.

    Kidding, I like the last picture. I think i will get some GI Joe figures and do the same thing.

    cheers
    victor

  22. Crash! Landen Says:

    The intent of a movie is to entertain the audience. I was not entertained. If the kind of garbage that as in this movie entertains you, then great. I go to movies to see good movies where the filmmakers make an effort. This was just a paycheck movie for everyone involved. Because it’s a franchise movie based on a game, a TV show, or a toy, does not mean that it has to be solely an advertisement. Point by point…
    “They are made to please everyone..” Everyone means me, too right? I grew up on the cartoons. You can still make a movie enjoyable to an adult mind while still aiming it at kids (see Where The Wild Things Are). A really good example of a similar movie franchise: Batman… This movie was the equivalent of ‘Batman and Robin’. Doesn’t have to be The Dark Knight or Batman Begins, but it does have to make an effort.
    “Most people are to stupid …” You spelled ‘too’ wrong BTW…
    ” They got you man…” I didn’t see the movie for the babes, just tipping my hat at a beautiful woman. Again, I don’t care what the movie’s about or who’s in it, as long as the movie’s done well.
    “you have to admit that the movie is doing exactly what its supposed to do…”
    I don’t have to admit anything. The purpose of any movie, first and foremost, is to entertain the viewer. I’m a very open minded person. I like science fiction, horror, dramas, action flicks, foreign films, comedies, animated movies, samurai films, kung fu flicks, art house movies, documentaries, classics, and anything else as long as it’s done well. I wasn’t entertained by this one. This review wasn’t about the effectiveness of the movie’s ability to sell toys. It’s about the quality of the film itself and the movie is pretty shoddy, based on that criteria.
    And childish? I’ve never claimed to be professional, but obviously you must’ve LOVED the movie and didn’t like the fact that I would dare not to like a movie that you LOVE, so you respond unnecessarily? If you liked it fine, but you’re not going to ‘convince’ me in any way, shape or form that this was a good movie. So, who’s being childish?

  23. I’m sorry I understand disliking lousy CGI, but your review sounds a little childish. You have to understand that movies these days are not made to please you. They are made to please everyone and that means if you think your the one person who is supposed to be impressed, you will almost always be let down. Most people are to stupid to even spot bad CGI and most critics know that. They found a couple pretty girls and bounced them around in tight outfits for the nerds to pleasure themselves over and then added a few tough guys and a dweeb (the other wayans brother) playing tough. That way the nerds can pretend they are the characters when they are at the convention playing dress up. The story itself it was dumbed down so even a five year old could follow it and I’m surprised you don’t understand that. The whole movie is being used the same way the cartoon was used TO SELL TOYS, which have flooded every Target and Walmart in the continental US. The movie was made to get another generation hell bent on little plastic men with guns that they can sell at $8 a pop. They hot girls like I said are so the geeks can fantasize, and your on that list man read your own review the only thing you spoke of in any positive way was the scattering of female roles designed to keep you in your seat during the movie. They got you man, and don’t think I’m saying they didn’t get me I call dibs on Rachel Nichols. In all seriousness though you have to admit that the movie is doing exactly what its supposed to do, keep the adults in the theater long enough for the kids to remember which toys they want for christmas this year. I mean doesn’t it make sense from that point of view??

  24. Crash! Landen Says:

    Oh, yeah… I suffered. I believe I saw this on it’s opening day and most of it has (thankfully) left my brain. Is it the worst movie that I’ve ever seen? No. But it could have been a lot better and probably would have benefitted with some more editing and some rewrites.
    I’m not a ‘pro’ critic (whatever that is)…. These are just opinions and I try to give legitimate gripes about movies that I like or don’t like. Movies are massive undertakings with a WHOLE lot of people working on them. There are parts that are good, parts that aren’t, so I don’t like to say a whole lot of negative stuff because a lot of those people working on the movie don’t deserve it. It usually comes down to the director’s choices or lack thereof. Sometimes producers can ruin movies also. I just thought as a whole there were more bad parts than good ones.

    And I still don’t think you needed those kid ninja scenes. I’m a Ray Park fan. I didn’t need some silly vow to not speak or ANY explanation for that matter. It just made it hokier to me. Just throw Ray Park out there with Storm Shadow and let him go do what he does best. One fights for the Joes, the other works for COBRA. What more do you need than that. Save all of the bad dialogue and exposition. They ‘dumbed it down’ when they didn’t need to. It’s like the explanation for zombies in a zombie movie. Most of the time it’s unnecessary and usually when it’s revealed it just sounds silly.

  25. well i just saw the movie and the reason that commander cobra called McCullen , which was in the “doctor who” series , destro was because of the guy with the metal head in the start of the movie who sold weapons to both sides like McCullen.
    anyways i agree with most of what you said in the post and the cgi was at most times half baked . but it seems you suffered watching this movie more than i did, i also came to see it with very low expectation and for me it hit those expectations the plot was extremely stupid and there was a lot of sentences that was superfluous and were only there to remind the kids watching the movie ,and playing with their iphone at the same time, of what just happened .
    but there was some good moments as i recall one of them was the big battle scene when the camera jumps from one battle scene to the next now that was very well done.
    to sum up it was a crappy movie but a good crappy movie ,the background story for the two ninjas was a good call it shows they were at least trying to make it acceptable.

  26. Crash! Landen Says:

    Well, if you liked it, don’t let me spoil your fun, it’s all just entertainment, I guess. It just wasn’t for me. Maybe the sequel will be better. And on a side note… The characters (from all over the world) were in the cartoons and toys but it always was ‘GI Joe: A Real AMERICAN Hero’. Americans ARE from all over the world. It’s one one of the things that sets us apart from everywhere else. The Great Melting Pot experiment…

  27. I think gi joe is one of the greatest movies in this year, i mean, the movie is well done and the story it’s not so hard to understand. The character i liked the most was the baroness, the femme fatale of the movie. I liked that the joe’s are not just in the US. They’re in the movie a special tactics organization from all over the world, which means that the other armies in the movie are so good to be exploided. I think gi joe second part would be the most expected movie the next year.

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