Crash! Landen’s Top 10 Worst Movies of 2003

UPDATE:  I have to give a Special Mention to Pensacola’s own Horror Film: This Darkness:The Vampire Virus. It was a film made on what I can only assume was a bare minimum budget. After seeing this at Pensacola’s Silver Screen Theater (which is more like a dirty lounge than a theater), I remember seeing David Everritt (the guy on the poster there) staring me down from across the theater. I think (besides the drunken kids a couple of tables over) I was probably the only person that wasn’t part of the cast or ‘family’ and he was trying to figure out just who the hell I was.

BUT, I did enjoy it more than the films on this list. Dylan O’Leary made an effort with much less to work with than the crap on this list and even had some decent martial arts shots. This was a much better effort than his movie Scouts, too. With that being said, here are the REALLY bad ones form 2003.

#10 Anger Management (Had a few laughs, but both leads just took a paycheck on this one. A better movie where Sandler has an anger problem is Punch Drunk-Love. Or the Waterboy.)

#9 Underworld (Kate Beckinsale IS lovingly photographed throughout, though.)

#8 Milwaukee, Minnesota

#7 Elephant (Tedious.Gratuitous. Politically motivated. Boring.)

#6 The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen (Wow. Alan Moore’s work gets raped again.)

#5 Dreamcatcher (Somewhat watchable, but still a bad film. I really don’t care to see ANY movie with monsters that derive from a victim’s @$$.

#4 House of 1000 Corpses (Had a few moments that gives you an idea that Rob Zombie might actually make a good movie one day, but so far he’s only been able to believably portray ‘suffering’ in a film.)

#3 The Order (Hard to believe the people responsible for this also made A Knight’s Tale. Slow and stupid. Bad story, direction, dialogue, cinematography and FX. Just bad.)

#2 Freddy vs. Jason (C’mon…)

#1 Haute Tension (High Tension) (Rode a MASSIVE TIDAL WAVE of buzz over to the states. I was very eager to see this since it was supposed to the rare ‘great’ horror flick and having a stunner like Cecille DeFrance in the starring role doesn’t hurt, either. I quickly realized how bad the movie was early on and when I say bad, I mean laugh out loud funny bad. Easily makes my Top 5 Worst of all time and possibly could end up at the top (or bottom). Has massive holes of logic that the filmmakers just ignore. It is a french film, so I should have expected it to be a bit wacky. There are a plethora of moments that are I guess supposed to be shocking, but come off as nothing more than ridiculously silly.

MASSIVE SPOILER ALERT: Towards the end of this movie, the director/producer/whoever must have realized the bomb that they were holding in their hands and just accelerated to ludicrous speed. The film’s star turns out to be the film’s killer, which I kind of predicted, but I remember thinking “They can’t do that. That makes no sense.” But they did. There are scenes where DeFrance is in a car chasing the bad guy who’s in another car and holding another woman hostage… In ANOTHER car. It wasn’t in her head. There WERE 2 vehicles. SHE’S DRIVING 2 VEHICLES AT THE SAME FRICKIN’ TIME!!!

Anyway, DeFrance never is believable as someone who could actually physically commit the murders that occur. But no matter. The ending comes with DeFrance looking directly at the camera and finally revealing how ‘crazy’ she is with police looking on from another room. The look (and wail) she flashes to the camera (with stillframe ending) made me laugh out loud. I didn’t laugh long, though, since I don’t really find it funny when I get suckered.

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Thoughts?

Underworld, Milwaukee  Minnesota, Elephant, The League of Extraordinary Gentlemen, Dreamcatcher, House of 1000 Corpses, The Order, Freddy vs. Jason,Haute Tension, High Tension

Crash Landen’s Top 25 Movies of 2004

Revision: How I forgot the Incredibles, I will never know. Corrected.

Revision 2:Adding ‘A Very Long Engagement’ but instead of dropping #25 Kung Fu Hustle, I’m dropping ‘Spartan’, my former #22. After seeing it again, I wasn’t as impressed with it was as I was when I first saw it. In fact, I wondered how I thought this was a good film in the first place.

There were several interesting movies that didn’t quite make the cut on my list:

The Machinist (Christian Bale’s last movie before becoming a household name…) ,  Layer Cake (Pre-Bond Daniel Craig), The Terminal,  Shrek 2,  the oddly hilarious Napoleon Dynamite, The Jim Jarmusch film Coffee and Cigarettes (a series of vignettes revolving around the title subject)  is worth seeing for 2 segments in particular. One paired Alfred Molina and Steve Coogan and was hysterical. There was another good one that paired polar comedic opposites Roberto begnini and Steven Wright. The other segments are hit and miss so I left it off the list.

So anyway… On with it.

Spartan (As I said, Dropped from the list.)

Bumped… Ned Kelly (A solid biopic of an outlaw, though…)Bumped from my Top 25: Kung Fu Hustle (The dancing criminals were hilarious… borrowed a little from the Zatoichi comedy ‘remake’, but still great.

#25 Lemony Snicket’s A Series of Unfortunate Events (A little slow, but had some beautiful images in it… I like when Jim Carrey tries the different stuff like this… Carrey’s first of two on the list.)

#24 Dawn of the Dead (Not as good as the original and lost that one’s meaning, but it was still fun… Loved the Leno and Reynalds cameos…)

#23 A Very Long Engagement (Maybe should be a lot higher on my list, but I was distarcted by some of the director’s ‘whimsical’ style, but it was still a good movie. I’ll probably see it again in the future, though.)

#22 Hidalgo (Viggo Mortensen has a pretty disparate collection of movie roles. Interesting dude.)

#21 Finding Neverland (Slow, but good. Kelly McDonald is one of my favorite actresses, so it was nice to see her in a cameo, along with former child actress Kate Maberly.)

#20 Code 46 (Samantha Morton is awesome in that, especially in a first person POV shot where Tim Robbins dances with her but really she’s dancing with you the viewer)

#19 Crash (Loved the segment featured in the poster above. The impenetrable cloak made the movie for me.)

#18 The Bourne Supremacy (The least of the 3 Bourne movies, but still good).

#17 Hotel Rwanda (Starts off a little ‘ABC After School Special-ish’ then gets really good. Don Cheadle’s great in this.)

#16 The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (Wes Anderson makes fun movies. Appreciate Seu Jorge more because of this movie… I think Willem Dafoe drank some ‘goof-a-hol’ to prepare for this.)

#15 Spanglish

#14 Cellular (Very surprised by this one.)

#13 The Incredibles

#12 Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban (The only one in the series that I liked.)

#11 Kill Bill Vol. 2 (Tarantino’s 5th best film.)

#10 The Passion of the Christ (Mel Gibson is a helluva’ director… Maybe I shouldn’t say that… Very strong movie.)

#9  Melinda and Melinda (Great take on storytelling…)

#8 Garden State (The story is familiar, but this is one of those sweet little movies that I can watch repeatedly.)

#7 Spider-Man 2 (‘Nuff said.)

#6 Closer (Many reasons to like this one. Everyone in it does a great job. Didn’t think I would like it. Boy was I wrong.)

#5 The Aviator (DiCraprio gets a bum wrap. He’s a great actor. Loved his portrayal of Hughes.)

#4 Sideways (Quirky with some very poignant moments scattered throughout.)

#3 Shaun of the Dead (I first heard about this one on Horrorview.com, a great site BTW, and was anticipating this one eagerly for almost a year before it actually made it over to America. I apparently wasn’t the only one… I have rarely been at the movies when there are literally NO seats available during the screening. It took a more serious turn towards the end, but made up for its digression in tone with one of the grteatest epilogues in film history. I’ve never walked out of a movie where a crowd had a better time than the crowd had at this one. This team of Simon Pegg and Edgar Wright’s collective eye for detail and nuance is astounding and rivals that of some of this era’s greatest directors. There are jokes in this and in Hot Fuzz that you actually have to watch the movie twice to get.)

#2 Twilight Samurai (Does for Samurai flicks what Unforgiven did for Westerns…)

#1 Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind ( The best work for everyone involved with the film. One of my favorite films that I’ve seen many times over. I felt at times in this movie that Jim Carrey was playing me.)

Thoughts?

Crash! Landen’s Worst 10 Movies of 2004

 (Bumped) Van Helsing (I like Jackman. I LOVE Kate Beckinsale. Josie Moran, too. BUT… it’s one of the ‘cheap looking crap cgi’ movies that I absolutely hate made by the guy that specializes in this. I once like Stephen Sommers movies. Earlier in his career he made movies like the Jungle Book live action remake… liked it… a Huck Finn movie that was okay… Deep Rising was an absolute ‘diamond in the rough’… So I have no idea what wrong… The CGI FX in Deep Rising were done rather well. Once he got to ‘The Mummy’, his movies started to resemble those of Roland Emmerich. The Mummy trilogy… The Scorpion King… GI:JOE!… I WILL admit Van Helsing is a big dumb watchable onslaught. The fact that I put this at #10 says either I was pretty good with selecting movies that year and avoiding most of the disappointments or the level of quality in movies was higher than normal. I’m betting on the former.)

#10 The Village (I remember standing in the lobby of the Rave theater… might’ve been when I saw Ang Lee’s Hulk… and seeing this poster.  From this poster, I correctly predicted the entire film. I had never done that before and was extremely disappointed by The Village. That being said, the movie was NOT as bad as it has been portrayed. I thought the main actors, Bryce Howard, Joaquin Pheonix,and Adrian Brody did a good job. I liked the ‘monster’ and there were a few very suspenseful scenes. M Night Shamalamadingdong does suspense very well. The end result was just too predictable and the audiences were expecting the gimmick or twist ending of the ‘M. Night Shyamalan movie’ by this point.I think doing the Last Airbender will be good for him since it really won’t have that twist ending expectation that his other movies have had since it’s a cartoon franchise movie.)

#9 Enduring Love (A film that starts with an incredible setup and then proceeds to get more illogical by the minute.)

#8 Suspect Zero (Muddled, hokey and amazing in the regard that it’s a bad film DESPITE featuring Ben Kingsley, Aaron Eckhart and Carrie-Anne Moss. Its director E. Elias Mirhige also directed the slightly better ‘Shadow Of The Vampire’.)

#7 Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow (This was the first movie I saw after Hurricane Ivan hit Pensacola. Didn’t have power. The city was a wreck. MOVIE THEATERS WERE ALL SHUT DOWN!!!!  It’s the important things, right? Anyway… I saw this about 2 weeks after it opened and was disappointed at how bad the story was. Loved the FX, the look, the idea… but the story and dialogue was SO bad that it completely ruined the cooler aspects of the movie for me. I have never liked the idea of movies that do the ‘bad dialogue on purpose’ thing because it’s supposed to an homage to a different era or film genre in the case of Rodrguez and Tarantino’s ‘Grindhouse’ movie. It’s nostalgia or  an interest in that era that draws people to those movies, not the bad dialogue and terrible stories.

#6 I, Robot (I like Will Smith. I LOVE Bridget Moynihan. And the source material is classic. Too bad they strayed too far from it and used the cheap looking crap cgi’ that I absolutely hate. See also: ‘Van Helsing’.

#5 The Ladykillers (The Coen Brothers worst movie, bar none*… Boring and  predictable, features some really bad acting and an overall sup-par effort by the Coens.)

#4 Taking Lives (Another predictable stinker that got hokier as it went. SPOILER ALERT: Also ‘crossed the line’ showing a pregnant Jolie being stabbed in the belly onscreen. Again, the movie was so predictable that I knew the pregnant belly was going to be just a ruse to lure the killer in close and it was — she was really just wearing padding— but for me that image  is one that has no business being in a movie, especially a ‘mainstream’ cop film like this one where you know the heroine is not going to die under any cirumstances and the villain will be brought to justice. I don’t think they fooled anyone. And  Ethan Hawke further emasculated himself as the movie’s villain.)

#3 The Final Cut  (One of the most boring movies I’ve ever seen. Robin Williams is in ‘serious actor’ mode in this one and it’s a shame the movie is so bad, because he occasionally proves that he’s a decent actor. Williams’ downfall is that he has the same script selection sense that Nicolas Cage has. And maybe Sam Jackson. And John Travolta.)

#2 November (A dog of a movie. Boring. Stupidly written, Pointless. Saying that it’s anti-climactic would be wrongly implying that it ever built up to anything in the first place.)

#1 Million Dollar Baby  SPOILER ALERT: This is a movie designed entirely to make a political point about euthanasia and quite frankly is  one of the most ridiculously melodramatic movies that I’ve ever seen. It’s also kind of disgusting in its message given the fact that Christopher Reeve was out there at the time doing so many good things after his similar injury to the lead character’s injury in the film. The relatives of the Swank character were written as cartoon characters (as were all of the characters) and they, along with Swank, had terrible Hollywood southern accents. SWANK WON FOR BEST ACTRESS WITH THAT AWFUL ACCENT!!!! SHE HAD THE SAME DIALECT COACH AS ROBERT DENIRO IN CAPE FEAR WHICH IS THE ONLY SOUTHERN ACCENT I”VE HEARD IN A MOVIE THAT WAS WORSE THAN SWANK’S.

The fact that Swank was built up to have this incredible ‘fighting against all odds’ spirit and immediately giving up after suffering a broken neck was completely contradictory to the personality that we had seen the entire movie. And please don’t think that I’m SHOCKED and OUTRAGED and that they successfully ‘punched my buttons. I saw what they were doing long before it happened in the film. All of  Swank’s boxing scenes up to the point where she has her neck broken (in LUDICROUS fashion) are shot and edited like scenes in a Rocky movie training/fighting his way back to the top music montage. When the movie gets to the women’s boxing champion ‘villainess’, there is an obvious change in tone from character expressions to music to the overusage of the super slo-mo. Supporting characters around Swank start telegraphing that there is ‘big trouble ‘ ahead. The women’s boxing champ is so powerful that one punch could kill adult elephants. Of course, Swank is sounly beaten and collapses at the end of a round, but not before trainer Eastwood can get the corner stool out of her way. This is done entirely in super slo-mo with Eastwood screaming “Nooooooooooooooooooo”. I remember laughing midway through the fall knowing that she was going to break her neck and realizing that I had been suckered by this one. After that, it’s the cartoon relatives trying to swoop in to get their inheritance, Swank trying to commit suicide in disgusting fashion, and Eastwood puttin’ her down only because he cares. To me it’s like this movie is  ’boldly’ stating, in Nazi fashion I might add, that if you’re paralyzed you no longer have any value. Yet another reason to hate the movie.

This is just the tip of the iceberg for me. I seem to also remember a lot of other really obnoxious things that I hated about this one like a gratuitous use of the ‘n’ word. I can’t remember for sure, though, since it’s been so long since I saw this one (and have tried to expunge all memories of it from my mind), it’s hard to remember everything that turned me off about it, yet, my reaction to the idea of watching this one again is much like Eastwood in the turning point gimmick in the movie:”N0000000000000000000! (in super slo-mo, no less). This will probably be on my Worst 10 of the Decade if not my Worst 10 Ever List.

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* Not to be confused with ‘Bar None’, FSU’s William Floyd.

More Alice In Chains (Love, Hate, Love)

Distracted for a moment by METAL DUDE!!! Here’s one of my favorites from my ‘All Time Favorite Band (TM): Alice In Chains. Long Live Layne.

Thanks to AICSOAD for posting this.

Back to work.

Commissions and Chinese Metal Bands

Haven’t done any comic commissions in a while. I put a ‘cheapie’ on ebay and priced it far below what I normally charge just to ease back into doing them. It’ll be interesting to see how the first one turns out. It’s always hard to gauge whether someone will like something even if you’re happy with it.

I’m drawing an asian cartoon femme fatale-assassin-secretary chick (or a nemesis at least of said chick) so I cranked up some Loudness to get into the mood. I know, who the hell is Loudness? Only THE  Japanese-Speed-Metal-Hair Band of the 1980s and beyond. Here’s an example…

Or how about some of this?

Want more?

And then after researching the character a little more, I find that she’s Chinese… Crap! Are there any Chinese Metal Bands? Mood music is very important to me. What would be the appropriate music/soundtrack for a Chinese Enemy Assassin Cartoon Babe ready to do some killin’? I’ve got over 8000 itunes. Must be something in there that’ll work…. Crap. I guess the hardest part of being an artist is finding appropriate mood music… Whatever. When in doubt:

Crash Landen’s 12 Best Movies of 2005

Not my favorite year in movies, but it had some good ones. I had made a Top 10, but had forgotten a couple that had come out in 2005 so I had to go back and add them. I ended up just leaving this as a list of 12.  Hovering right outside of the Top 12: Spielberg’s War of the Worlds… A very very gritty, if not grimey, Aussie Western The Proposition… 2 Nicolas Cage films Lord Of War and The Weather Man (with Michael Caine)… The Ice Harvest…  Or one of my personal favorites and Jessica Alba’s Best Movie Into the Blue (Yes, I’m not ashamed to say that I loved that one. Didn’t hurt that Ashley Scott was in that one, as well).

EDIT: One more movie that I have recently viewed (May 1, 2010) is one I have to mention. ‘The Girl On The Bridge … In The Cafe!’… with the always awesome Kelly MacDonald and the sometimes kinda’ cool Bill Nighy (Stay out of crap wereolf/vampire feud movies, Bill), is another great movie from 2005. Compelling to the end even if it does get a bit… um… koom-bah-yah at the bittersweet end. MacDonald is great as ALWAYS and Nighy gives a very detailed idiosynchratic performance. Probably a bit better than one or two movies that didn’t quite make my list….

12 Best Movies Of 2005

#12 Walk the Line (  I grew up  with Johnny Cash when he was making appearances on TV shows like  The Muppet Show so he was a pop figure I was acutely aware of a kid. I liked some of his songs, but never had the desire to seek out his albums or follow his career as a ‘rebel’. The movie surprised me and as far as bio-pics go, it’s right up there with the best of them. Joaquin Pheonix did a great job of making the part his own and not just performing a movie long Cash impression, but Reese Witherspoon steals the movie. I was never a fan of hers before this. This is her best movie in my opinion).

#11 Wallace & Gromit: The Curse of the Were-Rabbit (Surprisingly risque for a kids’ movie. I laughed all through this).

#10 Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith (The best of the prequels and the closest to the quality of the original trilogy. Ewan McGregor stands out doing his best Alec Guinness impression for the third time).

#9 Serenity (Kind of a better version/remake of the short lived TV show Firefly. I thought this would’ve made Nathan Fillion a ‘movie star’, but, nope).

#8 Grizzly Man (A documentary that was riveting, INSANE and heartbreaking).

#7 King Kong (Peter Jackson knows how to make a beautiful movie. Didn’t succeed in the way that Peter Jackson had hoped, I doubt, probably because the story is so familiar to people. SPOILER:Noone wants to see the monkey die at the end… Yeah, I know, he’s an ape in the primate family. Whatever. It worked for me though. I love the original. I love the 70s remake with Jeff Bridges, Jessica Lang, and Charles Grodin. I love  Godzilla vs King Kong. Son of Kong. Mighty Joe Young and its remake. I guess I just love giant gorillas. Who doesn’t? Got much enjoyment out of the scenes toward the end of the movie, especially Kong On Ice…).

#6 Match Point (I predicted what was going to happen once it got going, but loved how it was tied together at the end. Um… Definitely NOT a chick flick. Trust me.).

#5 Cinderella Man (A great movie about a really good guy. Based on real events).

#4 The Constant Gardener (Enjoyed it despite the one sided political views. Follows through at the end. A very enjoyable movie if you like intelligent movies).

#3 Kingdom of Heaven (An epic movie. Ridley Scott makes more out of less than any other director other than maybe Terry Gilliam. There were a lot of would be epics that were coming out around this time and I felt I was beginning to get ‘epic’ed  out’, but I never lost interest with this one. GREAT movie).

#2 Batman Begins (Kind of gets a little too spread out and loses its somewhat realistic take on superheroes at the end, but still a great movie. I was already a fan of Christopher Nolan, so I was expecting a Batman movie that was finally created as a movie instead of a ‘comic book movie’ and he delivered big time. Great cast to go along with the director and had an ending that helped add to the anticipation of the sequel).

#1 Munich (Very under-rated. Sure, there were some political points made that I don’t agree with, but taken as a whole is pretty even handed. Loaded with great character actors including a pre-Bond Daniel Craig, along with a great performance by the movie’s lead Eric Bana. One of the Best of The Decade and is yet ANOTHER movie where Steven Spielberg proves that he’s one of the greatest directors. Like Hitchcock, was regarded as a ‘popcorn movie’ director by many and isn’t given his proper due as a filmmaker).

Crash Landen’s 10 Worst Movies of 2005

The lists continue… Movies that were just good enough to stay off of the list: The Ring 2, Dark Water, Mirrormask, Saw II… This was a year that saw an abundance of mediocre movies.

WORST OF 2005

Venom (Bumped and forgotten.)

#10 The Jacket

#9 Wolf Creek (Had an outstanding first act, and detoriated into the land of Brain-dead Torture-porn. It’s true that it’s Based on True Events as much as a fictional story that I write about someone being murdered in Central Park. I could then claim that because there probably has been someone murdered in Central Park at some point in time, then consequently my story is based on True Events).

#8 Elektra (It DOES have Jennifer Garner in it, I’ll give it that, but this is a girl empowerment movie, so if you’re a 12 year old girl, you might find this pretty intense entertainment).

#7 The Fog (I refuse to believe that John Carpenter produced this remake. He’s lost it).

#6 Cursed (Production on this was stopped and then started after about a year or two. One of the leads’ hair style changes midway through the movie. That’s explained by the fact that he was bitten by a werewolf. Not kidding).

#5 The Devil’s Rejects (I always say, I am a HUGE White Zombie fan… I like Rob’s art, too, BUT… Rob needs to learn how to empathize with the protagonist. Or maybe that’s the problem. He thinks the ‘monsters’ in his movies are the good guys. He is able to film human suffering believably on occasion, though, if that’s your thing).

#4 Boogeyman (Yet, another horror movie on my list… Disappointing. Cheaply rendered CGI villain. Bad acting. Bad direction. Terrible story).

#3 Man-Thing (Fairly unwatchable. As a longtime fan of the original comics and the characters appearances in everything from the Micronauts to Marvel Team-Up and Howard The Duck, I STAND APPALLED BY THIS ABOMINATION!!!).

#2 The Cabinet Of Dr. Caligari (Even more appalling than Man Thing is this bathroom deposit. Nothing to say about it other than watch the original. This is an insult to amateur artists everywhere.)

#1 Domino  (This one WAS unwatchable about a ‘model turned bounty hunter’. I think this was the first movie that I ever walked out on before the credits rolled. I couldn’t care less how it ends).

Crash! Landen’s Best Movies of 2006

A pretty darn good year for movie audiences. Movies that didn’t quite make my Top 10: Pirate’s Of The Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest, The Wind That Shakes The Barley, Over The Hedge (computer animation), Thank You For Smoking; even an Oliver Stone movie (World Trade Center). There were also some quirky films that had flaws but were good like Lucky Number Slevin, Little Miss Sunshine, Wristcutters, The Science Of Sleep, Brick, the French cartoon Renaissance, Borat: Cultural Learnings of America For Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan (although that one turned my stomach as much as Slither did), Robert Altman’s (last film?) A Prairie Home Companion, Nacho Libre (Jack Black’s luchadore masterpiece), and even Silent Hill, the greatest of the video game horror movies.

Anyway, here’s what I came up with…

THE LAST KING OF SCOTLAND (Bumped)

10 THE FOUNTAIN

9 BABEL

8 THE PRESTIGE

7 STRANGER THAN FICTION

6 APOCALYPTO

5 BLOOD DIAMOND

4 CASINO ROYALE

3 THE DEPARTED

2 PAN’S LABYRINTH

1 CHILDREN OF MEN

It was a tough call between my top 2, but I think Children of Men is pretty close to being a perfect film. There isn’t  a whole lot to gripe about. Overall, I think that’s a pretty good list of films for one year…

Thoughts?

Crash! Landen’s Worst Movies of 2006

2006 was an amazing year in movies, but it also had it’s share of crap. Crap I say! I had a tough time deciding which movies would make my list. I was really trying very hard to get  sequel ‘Underworld: Evolution’ or the Project Greenlight failure ‘Feast’ on my list.

This is a list of 10 but before I begin the list I do want to give special mention to the movie that was supposed to ‘jumpstart’ the Superman franchise: Superman returns. It’s not a terrible film in moviemaking terms (and Kevin Spacey was pretty good as Lex Luthor); it’s not even CLOSE to being in my Top 10 Worst but this isn’t Superman. Not the behavior anyway and I HATE this movie with extreme prejudice. Director Bryan Singer put his own spin on a character that needs no spin. He never got the core of the character. It’s not the ‘super powers’ that make him Superman. He also continued with the whole crystal technology from the original movies which was a HUGE miscalculation in the extreme. It’s sad that there isn’t going to be another Supes movie for a while because of this one’s failure and will be remembered as the Superman franchise killing version of Batman and Robin.

On to the list which is filled with Crap Horror Movies.

Top 10 Worst Films of 2006

Bumped… THE HILLS HAVE EYES (Remake not even as good as the original which was a mediocre shocker even for the time. No scares, either, which is not good for a horror movie).

10 LADY IN THE WATER (M. Night Shamalamdingdong’s low point. I never thought a movie with Bryce Howard could be this bad. There were a few good things about it, though and maybe a moment or two of shortlived suspense.)

9 THE BREAK-UP (Sold as a comedy/date movie and it WAS NOT. All the funny stuff is in the trailer and I mean ALL OF IT. Was a pretty mean spirited movie with 2 people saying nasty things to one another for most of the duration).

8 THE DESCENT (Every now and again a movie comes along that really surprises you at how good it is. This is NOT it… A scary movie for 13 year old girls AND it will empower them! Yippeee!… BASH! Complete horse shit of a movie.)

7 WHEN A STRANGER CALLS (ANOTHER pointless remake that is not as good as the mediocre original. There were numerous times where there’s some ‘scary noises’ and when the girl investigates:…. Nothing happens. Over and over again. I will say the director made the most of having NO STORY or action. He created mood pretty well).

6 HARSH TIMES (I like Christian Bale, but he’s been in quite a few stinkers. This movie was pretty brain dead.)

5 The Gravedancers ( A horror flick with some wicked in-camera creature makeup FX ruined by poor direction, a horrible script, some bad acting and an awful cheap looking crap CGI FX at the end. But Josie Moran is really hot.)

4 THE HOST (Ain’t It Cool News called this “Better than Jaws”…. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH…. Sorry… It had some neat monster effects, but story and acting wise, this should have been featured on that MST3K show).

3 NIGHT WATCH (Couldn’t get through this Russian superhero/horror flick. Got worse as it went. The bad CGI FX didn’t help).

2 THE RETURN (THE SARAH MICHELLE GELLAR ONE) (Like When A Stranger Calls, there wasn’t a whole lot that happened in this and was the worst thing that a movie can be: BORING).

1 THE WICKER MAN (The worst of Cage’s career and that’s really saying a lot. Probably will be in my Top 10 Worst Movies EVER and definitely in the Worst of the Last Decade. I’m also starting to notice Cage has an absolute BOMB every single year it seems. Not a reflection on his acting ability  so much as his ability to pick good projects. It always falls on the Director as to whether the movie succeeds or not).

Thoughts?

Sherlock Holmes Review (4 of 5)

I enjoyed Guy Ritchie’s version of Sherlock Holmes. It doesn’t focus on the aspects of mystery; they cheat a bit on that. Holmes hypothesizes and gives explanations about mysteries that the audience is never really allowed to participate in. Ritchie’s Holmes uses his fists to solve crimes as much as his wits. This is not the frail Basil Rathbone Holmes’. A lot of the mythos is there (the Baker Street residence, the pipe, catchphrases,  a possible appearance by a certain Holmes villain) , but with Robert Downy Jr. adding a raw physicality to the role as well as his somewhat intelletually spasmadic delivery.

Downey Jr. seems to seek out roles that have characters with some sort of chemical dependency (A Scanner Darkly, Zodiac, Iron Man) and this one is no different. This Holmes is fond of drink and heavier drug use is alluded to. But, not in a ‘downer’ sort of way.

He also gets bored easy and takes to underground arena fights between cases. Ritchie never dwells on Holmes’ problems as actual problems. It’s all part of the fun. Even Watson has his gambling problems.

There are the usual liberal doses of humor and hyperkinetic action that Ritchie’s movies are known for. There are also the long stretches of talking that his movies are known for, but it doesn’t detract, largely because of the actors involved. Robert Downey Jr. has Holmes bouncing of the walls with his twitchy comic timing, while Jude Law more than holds his own as longtime Holmes sidekick Dr. John Watson. In fact, I’d go so far as saying he steals the movie from Downy.

Jude Law has always been a great actor, both starring in movies and offering supporting roles. He shines in this as Watson, fitting in very easily to the period to which the story is set. He’s funny throughout, allowing himself to put up with Holmes who is having some sort of separation anxiety at the prospect of Watson getting married.

They are not alone in their performances and are surrounded by a number of great character actors. The chameleon-like Mark Strong is menacing as the movie’s main villain: Lord Blackwood.

He speaks with a sinister snake-like tone and appears to be able to get into Holmes’ head. He moved as a villain should. You can sometimes tell a villain by how they sit and Strong captures that perfectly, sitting Shatner-esque upon making himself  the leader of a Scotland Secret Society. He has the air of a would be evil mastermind.

I’ve seen Strong in many other movies, but until I looked up his film credits, I couldn’t place him. He was a standout in Body of Lies but I would have never made the connection. He was COMPLETELY unrecognizable in Sunshine (but that might have had something to with the makeup and heavy FX).

Eddie Marsan as the Inspector Lastrade will probably get overlooked by a lot of people. He’s a very talented actor and I enjoy seeing him whenever he pops up in a movie. In this he’s a dour Scotland Yard inspector who doubles as a impediment to the movie’s protagonist and comedy relief.

Kelly Reilly (who I last saw in Eden Lake) was good as Watson’s fiancee. I was glad to see her in a movie where she didn’t have to suffer so much.

Even Robert Maillet was fun as the French bruiser Dredger, who popped up from time to time to serve as both a villain and comedy relief. His size is played up several times (which is kind of hard to overlook), but unlike a lot of onscreen bruisers, actually showed a good bit of acting talent.

The lovely and talented Rachel McAdams did a good job at portraying Irene Adler, a former love and foil of Holmes.

The back and forth verbal fencing with Holmes actually took a back seat to that of Holmes and Watson, though. Which is at the heart of the story…

The movie gets off to a very quick pace with Holmes and Watson foiling a sacrificial murder  by the evil Blackwood and from his jail cell where he’s waiting execution, he hatches his master plan.

This is of course just to framework to hang the bickering friendship of Holmes and Watson. Watson’s getting hitched and Holmes is beside himself in fear that it will break up their partnership. I won’t get into any further detailing of the story. The story isn’t as important as the characterizations which is usually true in a Ritchie film.

This scene wasn't in the film... Argh.

One thing that did aggravate me (which ALWAYS aggravates me) is the fact that there are scenes in the trailer that are NOT in the movie. One of the scenes omitted is one with  McAdams which I wouldn’t have minded seeing.

This wasn't in there, either. She never floats...

Peter Jackson can’t seem to cut anything in the editing room. Ritchie in this case edits out scenes that are being used to sell the movie. Is that false advertising?

Sherlock Holmes is full of great big movie action sequences and was funnier than a lot of comedies that I’ve seen recently. I think it’s Guy Ritchie’s best film (of the movies that I’ve seen of his). I liked Snatch, but had more fun watching this one. When it finally ends, you know there’s more if the movie succeeds adequately (which I think it has).

I’m reminded of the final moments of  Peter Weir’s ‘Master and Commander’. They leave you with not a definitive nod to a sequel (or franchise), but with a nod to the long history of the characters. There isn’t a real need for a sequel, but I for one would like to see one. Four of Five Whatevers. Now I have to go revise my ‘Best Of 2009 Movies’.